The Expected Result

I was so sure my body was telling me that the pregnancy was back to normal. I had all the signs of a healthy, normal pregnancy. The lukeria discharge returned, I felt some degree of fetal movement everyday. My cravings have been...well there. My picky appetite had returned. I was tried...all the time. There was no blood, no pain, nothing else to indicate that the pregnancy was terminating. I even thought my belly felt stiffer, I thought the water was beginning to return. Boy, was I a damn fool!

Yesterday, the ultrasound was as grim as the week before. The uteris is still without water. The baby's heat is still beating strong. The baby was curled up in the fetal position "go figure" at the bottom of the uteris. It looks so limp. So helpless. Without the warm water, I feel it must be cold, surrounded by a deflated sac. No room to move, no room to grow. How is it feeling about that? Does it even know?

If figure, if the miracle hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. But my Doctor wants to wait one more week, for one more ultrasound. Like that will make a difference.

I dropped a few forms off at my work today for disabilty. A few co-workers approached me, I was very curt with them. I feel bad about that now. I just don't want to talk about it with everyone and anyone.

I wonder if I am still leaking fluid. Sometimes, it is not a long flow, but I feel a small enough discharge to make me go hmmm. (Yes, just like the song.) Is it normal vaginal secretions? I don't think so. Maybe my Doctor is right. Maybe I am still leaking. And the sac will never be repaired.

I don't hold out much hope for next week. I expect the ultrasound will reflect the same as this week and the week prior. This pregnancy will be terminated. It is just a matter of when.