I feel like shit! I don't want to do this anymore. This is too hard. The baby is still alive and well. It is getting the blood flow from the cord, it is drinking something from the two 1 cm pools that have managed to remain in the uteris. The baby has fluid in the stomach and the bladder. It is keeping itself alive, barely. The heart rate is strong. But I don't want to be. I want this baby to live. I don't want it to die.

Right now, it feels like it is on the road to suffering. It's normal enviroment is gone. I can't imagine it is happy about that. What does it even feel? It is dark and alone. It will never know me. It doesn't even know I am there. It doesn't even know what it needs. Without more water, the lungs will not develop. I know that. But I am still leaking.

Why did this happen to me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why this baby? It's heart and kidneys clearly work. What then? I feel like it is suffering. I don't want it to suffer. It will suffer. If it is born at 22 weeks or 35 weeks. It won't breathe. Not now, not then. She won't even get to meet me. She won't know I am there.

This is too much. On the last ultrasound, the baby woke up. Rubbed it's eyes and drank some water. I feel like it already has a soul. It's alive, doing it's thing. I feel like it is going to suffer, no matter what happens.

I hate this waiting. I wish I could do something. I wish the tissues had repaired themselves. But like the Doctor says, if they were going to repair, they would have by now. And 2.5cm of water is not going to cut it.

I am still nauseated. Anytime I feel nauseous now, I sneeze. I suppose that is better than vomitting.

I wish I could just run away. I want to leave this place. Sometimes not come back. Start again. But I am too bitter for that. I hate everything. I don't want to get up.

I don't want this baby to die, but I don't have a choice.

Something Funny

I accidentally came across this a couple of weeks agon on teletoon. I googled it to see if I could find more, and sure enough there are 5 parts to odd little series posted on Youtube. But for now, here is part one to wet your appetites. (Now, I know, T & L will find this hysterical.)



If you want more, follow this link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UyixFLxZSdQ

A Good Time

Last night, I got out to see all my friends at Kerri's Birthday party. It was fantastic! I had a great time. Everyone was compassionate and eager to talk to me. Not just about what is happening to me, but just to talk. I miss my friends. I must talk to them more. Some good conversations were had. I was relaxed and happy. I need to be with my friends more. They are good people.

When this ordeal is over, I am definitly having a girls night with drinking and debauchery. I need to let loose and be a girl agin. Not that being pregnant isn't "girlie". It's kind of a girl only club. But, I need to drink and have some fun.

I looked at my wedding photo the other day. I was babe at 24! I was hot! I also had makeup and hair done and a fantastic angle on the photograph. I wanna feel that way again. I want to know I am pretty, even now. 5 years later. I want to know that I am still attractive. Is that shallow? Is that vain? Is that wrong? I'm married and Lee's opinion should count. I don't want to act on it, I just want to have fun.