My Time with the Stomach Flu

I have the stomach flu. I have not had it this bad since I was in grade school.

Saturday night, I woke up at around 12am. I started to feel nauseated. I took some diclecitin, thinking it was just pregnancy related. About half an hour later, Brandon woke up and came to see me. I thought about having him just sleep next to me. But I felt so awful, I couldn't lie down anymore. I opted to watch some TV with Brandon till Lee came home.

About 5 minutes later, Brandon threw up all over himself, the loveseat and the floor. I was missed, luckily. Brandon didn't freak out too badly. Probably because the TV was pacifing him. I went into damage control mode. In the midst of it, I could feel my vomit coming. I barely made it to the bathroom. All my super came up. Now, I was dizzy and tummy remained unhappy.

I called Lee and told him to get home ASAP. Thankfully, the movie had just finished and he was on his way. Before Lee got home, I threw up again. Now all my super was gone. Not as pleasant coming up.

Lee came home and his turn to be sick. He had the flu too mixed with unsetttling attempt at trying Ethoipian food. Not a good combination for a sensitive tummy. Lee was feeling a bit better than I so he did as much cleaning up as he could.

I tried nursing a 7-Up, but I kept throwing up every 20 minutes. Nothing was staying down. But I had no fever, so there was no reason to take tylenol and the diclectin came up already, I wasn't going to take anything else.

Later on after Brandon was asleep, Lee and I attempted to go to sleep. Well, Lee might have got some rest, I on the other hand, was vomitting every 15 to 20 minutes. I did this for the next 5 hours. I was dry heaving and all that came up was bile. Hmmm...pleasant. My biggest concern now, was being dehydrated. If this went on too long, then what would that do to the baby.

At around 6am, Lee called Leah to come over early to get me to the hospital. I went in at around 7:15am and was immedietly brought up to the case room. The baby was fine, but I was still vomitting every 20 mintues. I can't imagine there was much left in me. But it kept coming anyway.

The wonderful nurses hooked me up to an IV right away and gave me a shot of gravol. Ah...sweet gravol. It helped enough. If I kept absolutly still, my tummy settled and I was able to get some sleep. I drifted for about a couple hours. They dismissed me saying I had the stomach flu. Cause now Leah was sick and vomitting. So I was sick and making everyone around me so.

Leah and I, fairly quickly and got back to my house before 11am. I collapsed in bed. Leah stayed and rested on the couch. Lee was left with looking after Brandon (who was feeling 10x better. He was happy and playing. ) I felt like I was dying.

Lee's mom came over. I sent Lee out for some gravol. I popped those pills as often as I could.

Brandon was brought over to the grandparents place to stay for the day. The rest of us were able to sleep as much of the flu off as possible.

We all woke around 4pm and had about as much rest as we could handle. We opted to distract ourselves with a few episodes of 'Blood Ties'. Henry Fitzroy helped us get through a few hours of crappiness.

Brandon came home and I went to bed. Brandon missed us both. It was hard for him to understand why mommy wasn't around.

But I must say, the stomach flu is the worst thing to get when you are pregnant. Pregnancy related vomitting and nausea is nasty enough without a bug. Everytime I vomitted, I knew it wasn't over. My stomache churned the ENTIRE TIME. No rest was possible until after the hospital visit and all they did was give me fluids and gravol.

Today, I have made it passed the worst of it. Now, I need to concentrate on getting better and getting my strength back. And I feel really bad that we all made Leah sick too. Not the thing you want to share with anyone.

Bad As I Am

I have done something bad and I am sorry. I have betrayed Lee's trust in me. I went behind his back and borrowed money from my parents....again.

Lee is mad. Very mad. I figured with the car repairs and the nanny expenses we are going to incur over this time period, we would not be able to afford living.

Before all this happened, things were tight then. Now with the extra expenses and Christmas right around the corner, I figured we needed a bit more to get by. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe we would've been okay. I don't know.

Anyways, I feel bad. Lee hates me. I don't know what I can do to earn his trust again.

What Really Hurts

Thanks for the positive comments back. I appreciate that. I love you too!

I think where that self loathing came from - Facebook! Yeah, crappy fucking Facebook! I got in touch with some old friends of mine - via Facebook of course. Some polite correspondence was exchanged and I even opened up about my ordeal to one of these people. I thought a connection was re-established. Boy, was I fucking wrong!

I asked each "friend" if they wanted to have a coffee or meet and do something. Yeah, there friendship had a boundry. I crossed it. They want nothing to do with me apparently. Once the question was asked, they did not write back. Nor has a friend request been offered.

So, I took the risk and threw the olive branch out there. And I took it as a form of rejection rather than a failing on their part. I know I am a good person and some people like me! Screw this self examination of whether I am worth it or not. Fuck it! I know who is important to me. I know who cares about me.

At this point, I am contemplating getting off Facebook just cause it is an incredible waste of time suckage. And if I want people to know what is going on with me, I'l just do what I did before Facebook. Call or send a massive email. I was done before, it can be done again.

Feeling Down About Myself

Do people like me? Do my friends even like me? Am I likeable? Does my personality put people off? I didn't think so. Sometimes, I am little too blunt, but most of the time, I think people like me. Why not? I never get any impression otherwise.

Well, if my friend Russ wants nothing to do with me, why doesn't he just say so instead of skirting around talking to me. I can tell when someone is not interested in being my friend. Or maybe I can't. I don't know. I don't know anymore. Sometimes it just feels like no one wants to be my friend. I am lonely. I am lonely all day. I wish there was someone there I could talk with and hang out with. Someone who likes me, at least. Please don't pretend.

Does anybody like me? Be honest. Don't play games. Just tell me. Do you enjoy talking to me? Do I add to your life? Would you be my friend if I wasn't married to Lee?

I feel like shit! I don't want to do this anymore. This is too hard. The baby is still alive and well. It is getting the blood flow from the cord, it is drinking something from the two 1 cm pools that have managed to remain in the uteris. The baby has fluid in the stomach and the bladder. It is keeping itself alive, barely. The heart rate is strong. But I don't want to be. I want this baby to live. I don't want it to die.

Right now, it feels like it is on the road to suffering. It's normal enviroment is gone. I can't imagine it is happy about that. What does it even feel? It is dark and alone. It will never know me. It doesn't even know I am there. It doesn't even know what it needs. Without more water, the lungs will not develop. I know that. But I am still leaking.

Why did this happen to me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why this baby? It's heart and kidneys clearly work. What then? I feel like it is suffering. I don't want it to suffer. It will suffer. If it is born at 22 weeks or 35 weeks. It won't breathe. Not now, not then. She won't even get to meet me. She won't know I am there.

This is too much. On the last ultrasound, the baby woke up. Rubbed it's eyes and drank some water. I feel like it already has a soul. It's alive, doing it's thing. I feel like it is going to suffer, no matter what happens.

I hate this waiting. I wish I could do something. I wish the tissues had repaired themselves. But like the Doctor says, if they were going to repair, they would have by now. And 2.5cm of water is not going to cut it.

I am still nauseated. Anytime I feel nauseous now, I sneeze. I suppose that is better than vomitting.

I wish I could just run away. I want to leave this place. Sometimes not come back. Start again. But I am too bitter for that. I hate everything. I don't want to get up.

I don't want this baby to die, but I don't have a choice.

Something Funny

I accidentally came across this a couple of weeks agon on teletoon. I googled it to see if I could find more, and sure enough there are 5 parts to odd little series posted on Youtube. But for now, here is part one to wet your appetites. (Now, I know, T & L will find this hysterical.)



If you want more, follow this link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UyixFLxZSdQ

A Good Time

Last night, I got out to see all my friends at Kerri's Birthday party. It was fantastic! I had a great time. Everyone was compassionate and eager to talk to me. Not just about what is happening to me, but just to talk. I miss my friends. I must talk to them more. Some good conversations were had. I was relaxed and happy. I need to be with my friends more. They are good people.

When this ordeal is over, I am definitly having a girls night with drinking and debauchery. I need to let loose and be a girl agin. Not that being pregnant isn't "girlie". It's kind of a girl only club. But, I need to drink and have some fun.

I looked at my wedding photo the other day. I was babe at 24! I was hot! I also had makeup and hair done and a fantastic angle on the photograph. I wanna feel that way again. I want to know I am pretty, even now. 5 years later. I want to know that I am still attractive. Is that shallow? Is that vain? Is that wrong? I'm married and Lee's opinion should count. I don't want to act on it, I just want to have fun.

The Expected Result

I was so sure my body was telling me that the pregnancy was back to normal. I had all the signs of a healthy, normal pregnancy. The lukeria discharge returned, I felt some degree of fetal movement everyday. My cravings have been...well there. My picky appetite had returned. I was tried...all the time. There was no blood, no pain, nothing else to indicate that the pregnancy was terminating. I even thought my belly felt stiffer, I thought the water was beginning to return. Boy, was I a damn fool!

Yesterday, the ultrasound was as grim as the week before. The uteris is still without water. The baby's heat is still beating strong. The baby was curled up in the fetal position "go figure" at the bottom of the uteris. It looks so limp. So helpless. Without the warm water, I feel it must be cold, surrounded by a deflated sac. No room to move, no room to grow. How is it feeling about that? Does it even know?

If figure, if the miracle hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. But my Doctor wants to wait one more week, for one more ultrasound. Like that will make a difference.

I dropped a few forms off at my work today for disabilty. A few co-workers approached me, I was very curt with them. I feel bad about that now. I just don't want to talk about it with everyone and anyone.

I wonder if I am still leaking fluid. Sometimes, it is not a long flow, but I feel a small enough discharge to make me go hmmm. (Yes, just like the song.) Is it normal vaginal secretions? I don't think so. Maybe my Doctor is right. Maybe I am still leaking. And the sac will never be repaired.

I don't hold out much hope for next week. I expect the ultrasound will reflect the same as this week and the week prior. This pregnancy will be terminated. It is just a matter of when.

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Had to Do

Early Tuesday morning at about 4:00am, I started leaking amniotic fluid. It didn't occur to me what it was, at first. I just thought my pee muscles were acting funny.

Later that morning, at about 8:30am, I went to the bathroom, and my pad was quite wet, but clear. It still thought it was bizarre, and then a lightbulb went off. I realized what it was. I quickly called Lee and we went to the hospital.

Emergency was pretty quick at first. I know I want to bitch about the wait time for all my tests, but I don't think it would've made a difference at that point. I felt trickles early in the morning, but then I felt gushes when I was at work. The damage had been done.

At 11:00am, the Doctor did a litmus test for leaking fluid. Sure enough, the stick was blue. A deep blue. I was leaking quite severely. Finally, at 2:30pm, I had an ultrasound to see how the baby was. It's hearbeat was strong. Too strong. They told me, there was very little fluid left.
Let me tell you what I was thinking, I thought what they meant was "What was once a vast ocean is now a small pond." No. What they meant was, "The ocean has drained to the point of a shower stall right after a shower." Quite different. The chances at this point of the baby surviving are slim to none. In fact, it is very grim. The outcome is virtually known, it is just a matter of when.

I couldn't believe it. I was wheeled back to the emergency hallway with constant hospital traffic. I was so mad that my grief had to be visible. Thankfully, the nurse liked me and kicked someone out of a private room (who didn't need it) and let me have privacy. The hospital chaplin was nice. He was very understanding and companssionate. The doctor's also had a very good bedside manner. They were completely honest of the chances the baby had. It hurt, but it was good to know up front where my hope should be.

I stayed over night for observation. It was a slim chance, but there was chance the sac could heal and start retaining water again. Depending on the severity of the leak. But the odds of that are slim. Incredibly slim. I had many moments of losing my mind. I cried and cried. I even questioned my own mothering capabilities. I hated every 14 year old and 17 year old who gets knocked up and wants to terminate their baby because it is "inconvienent". Well, they least they deserve is 9 months of inconvience and an adoption. This is not fair. I said everything.

In the morning, the Doctor working with mine, told me my options. They are:
1) I can wait it out. And not to hope for change. Wait for the baby to die and pass it naturally. But they my risk of infection increases. And I will have infection. It is inevitable. I just have to act on it fast.
2) Or Decide to terminate it at the Alec. (Grey Nuns will not do it cause they are a Catholic Hospital.)

This wouldn't be so hard if it was a simple miscarraige. Honestly. The baby would be dead. There would be pain. There would be blood. It would be over. There would be no question.

But the baby is still alive. It has a strong heartbeat, despite the odds. My womb no longer has conditions to support that life. But it holds on, with every beat. And I can't do it. I can't terrminate it. I can't look at it on that ultrasound and say, "No." I can't make the choice to have that heart stop beating. I can't.

It cannot live. The baby will not survive. I know that. The results would be so dire. A baby without fluid cannot grow properly, the limbs will be stunted, the organs will not develop properly, they may even deformaties. But the worst of all, it creates something called "plastic lungs" which is virtually a death sentence. The baby would die either way.

Right now, I am home. Waiting. My belly is a lot flatter. Where there once was a sac of water, there is total give whenever I push my tummy. I know the water has not returned. It will never return.

But the baby is still alive. If it wasn't. This could be over. The hardest part phyically is ahead of me. But I will heal. But the emotions will stay with me forever. Not a day will pass without this in the back of my mind. And if the baby wasn't still alive, despite everything I know, I wouldn't have that stinging sensation of hope in my heart.

While I was Watching Toopy & Binoo...

Well, my pregnancy is going well, once again. I now realize I was upset about having to quit my course. It really does bother me. But in a way I am glad. I was fighting my fatigue pretty hard while trying to listen to lectures and read the textbook. It was tough. Lesson learned: Never take a course when I am pregnant. Well, I may never have to worry about that again.

I am considering having 4 children. Considering. I hear that the jump from 1to 2 is quite...well..a jump. 1 is very different than 2. So, we will have 2. Obviously. Then, we shall see, if we want another one. That is reasonable, I think. Cause one thing that is for sure. I can always change my mind.

I just paid my fees to CGA and I swear, I thought the fees were vastly cheaper last year. Hmmm. Or maybe they were always the same. Who knows. I could always go look at my receipt from last year.

Speaking of school and stuff. I am now more convinced that my decision to become a CGA is the right one. I have been whining about my dropping my latest course and whether or not I really want this. Or maybe it is just hormones. Well one important thing: NEVER MAKE ANY LIFE ALTERING DECISIONS WHILE PREGNANT. That's for sure. But I know this is right. Cause I know I can do it and I will do it. Accounting may not be my future, but the credential and the status it brings will be. It will open many doors that were closed before. Cause I know, I can be anything I want to be.

Work is getting harder to do. I mean more in a 'stay awake' state. I am so bloody tired these days. Ug! There are some days, Iwake up, and I just wish I could call in sick. But, alas, too much needs to be done.

And for further news today, Brandon fell face first into the tub, this evening. While the tub was filling for his bath and daddy was fixing the toilet seat, Brandon was reaching for the forming bubbles in the tub. He reached a little too far and tumbled right in. Splash! It was a little startling at first. But Brandon is okay.

Unfortunate Events

It has been quite a while since I have blogged. In fact, I don't even feel like blogging anymore. Maybe that will change.

Anyways, complications have arose surrounding this pregnancy. I have started bleeding every so often. On Saturday, it was the 3rd time I have seen signs of blood. Before it was just a brown streak here and there. Yesterday, I saw a gob of brown blood with streaks of red blood. Now, I am scared. Not for the fact that I will not be able to have sex for the rest of the year, but it was really scarey. I don't want to bleed that heavy. I don't want to lose this baby. I can already picture the baby. I already have a name. Well, no not really. I am changing my mind again and again. It's kinda fun chosing a name. Except, when you can't decide on one.

Anyways, I will try to see my Doctor tomorrow or Wednesday just to follow up. But now I need to aleveate any stresses I have. This month is going to be stressful enough without Lee around. I shouldn't have strict deadlines while I am fighting my fatigue. I might have to cut my academic plans short.

Say a prayer for me, everyone.

Dinner Party 2.0

Last night, I hosted another dinner party for my friends. Again, it was a success. The soup was awesome and the pizza was pretty darn good. Everyone had a good time and made the most out of all the food and fun. A good time was had by all. I enjoyed everyone's company. Good food was followed by even better conversation, ending with video of Captain Mesmo and Hypo Boy and ESC sketches. It was blast! Below are some of the high-lights. Must do again, soon.

The Man in the Mirror

I have made the choice to sponsor a child with "Plan" - formerly known as "Foster Parents Plan". Today, I got my package in the mail. The package contained the information about my sponsored child with a brief history and information about the community. The boy is from Haiti. One of the poorest nations in the world. Oddly enough my first thought, when I looked at his photo was, "He is a very handsome boy." Seriously, he could break some hearts. And he is only 9 years old.

For years, I always watched the infomercials for helping children in third world countries. I would bawl everytime I saw one. They tugged at my heart strings. But I would always say, "I can't afford it right now. Maybe later." Well, for some people, that later can make that difference between living and dying. Change needs to come now. Now is the time to stand up and make a choice to stop someone's suffering.

There is so much we take for granted. From material goods, to income, to spare time, to technology. So much we whine about but, we really don't understand what is really important.

My son is special. Just as every other child is special. I will do everything in my power to make Brandon know how special he is. And I will do what I can to help other children who don't have a chance to feel special.

Regrets, Fears and Reservations

Well, I succumbed to the will of the masses, I have joined Facbook. Or as A likes to call it "CRACKbook". It is, indeed that. I have been on there more times in the last 24 hours than my email or blog. God! What have I done?

My main motivation was to contact a few people that I cared to from. And most of them have freinded me and contacted me in return. Nice. There are a few people on Facebook that I do NOT want to hear from. If I want to hear from you, I will let you know. But how do you tactfully NOT friend them if them try to friend you? I don't know. Maybe someone could let me know.

Now, my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. And I agreed to go. I know, I know, what the fuck was I thinking? Cause with Facebook, I know about all the people I really care to know about. And I really could care less about the rest. Oh well, I will go for the dinner. If I am having a shitty time or whatever, I will leave. What the hell! It's only $50. $50? Fuck, I could've used that to buy someithng USEFUL!

Anyways, these people don't make me feel bad, I make myself feel bad. And really, there is no reason to feel bad. Cause I love my life. And I love my family. And I love my friends.

Feel the love people.

Status

My new position is going well. I am settling into it quite nicely. I have no complaints. Yet. But I like it. That may change, however. I just received some sad news today, I expressed my concern on how it makes me feel and I got a positive response. They care about me. I like that.

When I am sad, just make me laugh.

Lee, sadly, works this weekend and I have not had opportunity to take Brandon to the park all week. Bad mom.

I feel restless. I am not sure what to do with myself. Like I have all this SPARE TIME, anyways.

Oh, I did register for my latest course. I will be taking Accounting Theory 1 in June. Exciting, eh? Let's see how I do with a theory class.

Some Good News

B has finally given me a moment to update.

Wednesday, this week, I was offered a new full-time position at work. I will now be a part of the accounts receivable department. I will be bringing money in rather than sending it out. Beyond that, I will be getting more exposure to helping my boss with monthly reporting and doing provincal taxes and GST etc. I also work closer with the VP in my position. So all in all, it is a very good move. I am very excited to be taking on this new roll. My function is still the same, it is just my roll that has just changed.

I was getting all excited to dig up the weeds and plant my garden this weekend, but it had to decide to rain. Damn it! Oh well.

Lee took the weekend off, so we can cuddle and spend some quality time together, as a family.

I just received birthday money, for Brandon, from my brother in New York. This weekend I think the whole family will go out to Toys R' Us and get B something nice for the backyard, that he can play with this summer. Unfortunatly, B will not be able to use it until after the weekend.

Take It Back Again

Screw everything I have just said!

I don't know anything anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to do anything.

Ooo. ANTM finale is on tonight. I'm excited! Nobody call me between 6 & 7pm.

Ultimatum

Alright, if I am not pregnant, this time, I'm outta there! Between all the "air" that went around work and all the goop on my face and lack of cohesiveness I feel, I need to leave.

Issues

Right now, I am torn between too many conflicts. Some of them are work related (I won't be talking about them here) and some are cosmetic (quite literally) and some are personal. Too many crisisies in my life. Some must get out. Some must leave now.

Too much money gone. Not enough coming in. A high maintenance baby. Occasional sex. Gossiping co-workers. Merle Norman vs. Mary Kay. House is unitdy. Laundry is never done. Half my potatoes are moldy. Always tired. Never refreshed. Not sure what course to choose next. Constantly fighting with my lazy gene. Talk too much. Just not sure what to do next.

Fluidicy

Well, Brandon is still sleeping. He's tired. The little punk!

I will be taking him to the Doctor later today, again. Why? Yesterday, the daycare called and said he had a fever of 101.4 and fluid coming from his ear. Wha????

Yeah, that's pretty much what my reaction was. My Doc penciled him in for tomorrow and I left a little bit early to go get my son. When I got to daycare, B was normal. Not freaking out. But I saw the fluid coming from his ear. It was like watery wax.

Okay, B has had two ear infections and they are almost cleared up. Then watery wax? Because the fever seemed gone and B was not crying out in rampant pain, I did not consider it dire. Since the Doc can see him tomorrow, fine. By all means, if B was not happy and picking at his ear, I would've been getting him seen that night.

We came home, B ate some supper and we cuddled, he had a happy bath, I gave him some Tylenol, just to help anything he was feeling) and then we cuddled for bedtime. And he slept comfortably while G-simian and I chatted about accounting. (I am certain, that most things I said sounded like a Charlie Brown adult.)

B is up now. Must go.

Must Watch TV

For the past few days, I find I have been watching more TV than I normally do. Here is the low down:

It all started with the "Gilmore Girls". Now, I have seen the "Gilmore Girls" before and I enjoy the show. I find I never really have to see everything. I haven't seen it in maybe a year or so. Just watch once in a while and you get a good recap.

Good ol' "Veronica Mars" was back on, Tuesday. Awesome! Decent episode. But from spoilers I read, Neptune will not be a place of happiness and contentment for the Mars family. Too bad.

Then I saw "How I Met Your Mother". Now, I know this is a damn good funny show. The episode I saw was just crazy. Neil Patrick Harris and Alyson Hannigan have amazing comedic timing. Love it!

And last night, because Brandon was sleeping and I thought I would stay still for his comfort, I watched "One Tree Hill". I have never thought about watching this show. For the last several weeks I have been seeing ads for this "Prom Murder" episode and I have been mildly curious. The opportunity presented itself and I watched. I kind of enjoyed that one too. It wasn't brilliant, but decent enough to fill an hour. The characters are interesting and there are some decent plots thickening. There's a murder to be solved and loves to be won. Might wanna stay tuned to that one.

And tonight, there is a "Smallville Noir" happening. I've seen the trailers and I wanna see. I know, I have said Smallville has sucked in the past, but I gotta see this one.

Must see more. Must watch. Must eat brains.

90 minutes of John Mayer

Well, that is precisely what I got. And, I didn't even stay till the end. It was that disappointing.

Some unknown, Kathleen Edwards, opened for Mayer. I don't know who the fuck she is. And I really don't care. She was, frankly, quite unmemorable. She sings very well, but her music and lyrics leave something to be desired. They just don't speak to me. But to her credit, she tried to have more of a rapor with the audience than John did.

My friend and I left early durring Kathleen's performance, to wander around and chat some more. When she left the stage, we returned to our seats.

At about 8:45pm, John hit the stage. He didn't talk to the audience right away. Some artists go into their set for a few songs and then start talking and creating that connection with their audience. Not in the case here. John barely said "boo" to Edmonton. He said a few things, but he didn't create that relationsip - that connection - that makes the whole show worthwhile.

Admittedly, John is fantastic with his guitar. He was showing off all sorts of fancy playing and his band was fantastic. Lots of nice improvised pieces that opened into some good songs. He's comfortable enough, he can take risks, with his music and they pay off.

But, what makes a concert special is the connection a performer makes with their audience. If I just want to hear your music, I can stay home and listen to your record. No offense, but I need more if I am paying $90 + dollars a ticket to see you playing live. You don't need to give us intimate details of your life, just telling us the meaning behind some of your songs or something you did today. You know, give us a little personality.

I was so disappointed, my friend and I left the building while he was playing his encore. After such a let down, I wanted to not be stuck in traffic waiting to get out of the parking lot. It would've just stung more.

Funny thing, about over half way through John's set, someone came through our row (in a suit) and was obviously coming in late and sat down. I didn't need to think about that too much to realize, he was an accountant. Anyone coming late to something, wearing a suit, on a Saturday on April 28th couldn't be anything else. He's an accountant. My life flashed before my eyes.

A Hard Lesson Learned

Well, last night was one of the most painful I have had in a long time. My parents came over to help celebrate Brandon's 1st birthday. They wanted to have KFC. I wasn't into the idea, but relented cause it was my parents.

That was BIG mistake.

Just after I finished my meal, my chest pain flared up instantly. I took one of the prescribed antacids my Doctor gave me. It did squat. When my parents left, half an hour later, I took a couple Tylenol, just to calm the pain. I went to bed and passed out.

I woke up at around 11pm and my chest pain was worse than ever. I went the bathroom, to take some more Tylenol. Lee came to bed about 20 minutes later. I was suffering so bad, I didn't want to be awake by myself, so I didn't let Lee into bed. But my bladder lost that fight. I had to go to the bathroom. Lee got into bed.

By 12:10am, Lee was asleep and I wanted to throw up. I went to the bathroom. My saliva started to water. I could almost feel the vomit coming. And...nothing happened. I didn't throw up.

I didn't want to go back to bed. Not until I had thrown up. I knew if I did, it would help somewhat.

So, I went downstairs and watched the 24 episode I Tivo'd this week. I took a large bowl with me. 20 mintues into the episode, I threw up. I threw up hard. It wasn't sickly or like being pregnant. It was like my stomach was pushing something out, that shouldn't be there.

I finished my episode of 24 and skimmed a few channels until I felt tired again. The pain was not as severe. It felt more like an after thought. I just needed to sleep it off.

At about 20 minutes to 2am, I went back upstairs and took the Tylenol I needed to dull the pain, so I could sleep. That and some Peptobismol.

Well, it did the trick. In the morning, I felt fine. It was just a bad dream.

Lesson here: No more KFC. EVER! And that really doesn't bother me.

I've always treated the time frame for medication doses as more of a guideline. I still believe that. The medicine company is not going to give you a dosage time frame that has very little leeway. I'm not talking hours, but half an hour is NOT going to kill you. Besides, I always find that my symptoms return before the time is up and, if I don't the medicine right away, the next dose might not even kick in. And I don't want to suffer. Of course I am talking about Tylenol, not say Percaset or stuff like that. Since Tylenol is pretty safe, I do what is best for my comfor level. I am not inviting a discussion on this topic.

Too Much

I am sorry I was so fague on my last post. I do not want to say too much about work with the possibility of being fired. This can all come back to haunt me. Just know that I know what is best.

Anyways, today is Easter Monday and I have to go to work. I know, I know. Terrible. Funny thing is the daycare is not open today, yet most people are working today. That is no good. If Lee didn't have the day off today, we would be screwed. I would have to take the day off. That's not fair. I don't know who worked that system out, but it's stupid.

Right now, I don't have a whole hell of a lot to say. I just don't want to go to work today. Not with what I am doing. Or not doing, I should say.

One thing, I can think of, I am really liking the new season of Doctor Who. The new companion, Martha Jones, I like her. I like her more than Rose. Rose was okay, but Martha is cool. She is smarter, she'll be able to keep up more with the good Doc. Not sure who this year's villian is going to be. They have already done the daleks and cybermen. They could do some more with those guys, but I would like to see someone else or something else. Perhaps the sontarans or somehow bring the Master back or the Silurians or the Sea Devils or the Zygons. There are endless possibilities.

Must go, Brandon is waking.

The End Justifies the Means

I feel better now. I'm not as suicidal sounding as I was in my previous post. What has happened since? Well, on Friday, at the end of the day, I had a chat with another co-worker of mine. One of the new kids, that arrived after I went on Mat-Leave, and you know what I learned?

:)

For my next course choice, over the summer, I will be taking Accounting Theory. Hmmm.... Could be interesting. Could suck entirely. Let's find out.

I Can't Stop the Pain

That is for I think I have a sinus infection. My head hurts so much I want to die. At first, my brain would only swell when I cough. And I have been coughing quite a bit. Now, it just hurts. I just took some sinus meds. I hope they work soon. I can't function and I am seriously neglecting B by letting him just watch TV. Bad mom.

Work sucks. No, it does. I just can't get motivated. I am so scared of being stupid. I just don't know what to do. I wasted half the morning trying to figure out how to go about doing my job. I am trying to document my research and all the relevant information, so I can take stats later, but I feel like I am doing things so slow and I don't know how to stremline them, to make them better. I am not very good at my job. Maybe I shouldn't be a professional. Cause I am not one.
You know when people talk to you, and you can tell kind of what they think about you, by how they speak, I just feel no one thinks I am a serious professional. I dress like one, but I don't feel like one. There isn't that respect. I am just another office clerk. I don't want to be, just another office clerk. Maybe I am not meant to be a professional. Maybe I don't really have it in me. I don't know how to problem solve. Anytime I am given something without insturctions or a map, I don't know what to do. My ideas are always wrong. They are never the best. I'll never be a team leader. I just never will.

The Return

My first day back at work, was not the best. Re-orientating oneself back in the workplace is hard. Holy crap! I forgot a lot of shit! Simple shit! I have been given a position with no real plan or structure to it. What if I fuck it up?

Anyways, beyond just my whimsical insecurities, someone I was to be partnered with, quit. Yay. So, now it is totally a solo project. I now work downstairs, (Cause of the person quitting, I got their spot. Better than the mailroom, anyway.) I am so far away from all my people. All the accounting people. I feel somewhat isolated. But, my cubical is better. (They must trust me enough to let me be down there.)

Just setting up your desk and getting back into the swing of things is tough. I felt so useless. I know I could've done more. And I missed my son.

Next time I need to stop for lunch. Have a bite to eat. It might raise my spirits up a bit more. Yeah, so might getting over this illness.

Day 3

Well, my diet change is off to a great start! Not really, no. I have been sick for the last 2 days. I haven't eaten much at all in that time. Lee is making my some toast right now. I'll see if I can keep that down.

Of course, this had to happen, right before I go back to work. It sucks. I wanted to spend some quality time with Brandon this weekend. No chance of that now. The good thing is, my mother-in-law came by and helped out with Brandon while I got some rest. Today, I am on my own. Which should be okay. Provided the chills do not return.

The thing causing me the biggest anxiety, right now, is taking Brandon to daycare. Going back to work? Whatever. Work may not even register till I actually get there. Dropping off Brandon is taking up more thought and worry than anything. Work crosses my mind about one tenth of the time.

I read what you said rawker. The walking everyday is very important. It was very hard to do before, when it was below minus 20. I didn't think it was best to take Brandon out then. Now that the weather has cleared up, I endeavor to take Brandon out more often. Besides there are some morons who do not clear their sidewalks. By now, the walks should be clear.

I just had some juice and a bite of toast. Hmmm...I don't remember food and drink tasting this bad. What is wrong with me? Is it the illness? Is it me? What?

Day 1

I don't feel so good this morning. My nose is stuffy and my throat is sore. Great. I am sick again.

I just weighed myself. Right now, I am 223lbs. Holy crap! I think I want to kill myself.

I have a goal. I would like to lose about 30lbs. I would like to be under 200lbs. Also, I want to fit into the same size of pants I wore when I was 20. Size 32. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I will monitor my progress here. If I keep a journal of it, then maybe it will keep me on track.

Well, here it goes...

Phat

My mom called me chubby today. She's right. I am chubby. And it's not even baby weight. This was all gained before pregnancy even occured. I used to be nice decent weight. I could fit into size L clothes. Now I fit in x1. I hate having to buy a higher size. You ever notice all the nicer stuff is from S to XL? I did. When I was clothes shopping on Monday, some nice stuff caught my eye. But it was not plus size, so I could not even consider buying it. I hate being plus size. I need to do something about it.

Well, tonight, I just ate an ice cream blizzard-flurry knock-off. That's not gonna help. As of tomorrow morning, I am not eating anymore junk food. Oh man, this is going to be tough. I've done it before. It can be done. It just takes tremendous will power.

That means no more chocolates, cookies, candy, potato chips, cake, deserts in general and no more fast food and no more out food in general. And everything else in between. Like no more iced tea. Besides, my doctor say to avoid the grease and dairy so my hearburn doesn't flare up. This is something I have to do.

I had a dream I was running. I was running in a small town just a ways from Edmonton. I was running to tell T & H something. I was running all Saturday night to find them Sunday morning. They were having breakfast with their son and their gold van was now a gold car. Anyways, I saw them enjoying the moment I suddenly decided I didn't want to bother them. I'm not even sure why I was trying to find them in the first place. Anyways, the sun was up high now. T & H were leaving the restaurant and were loading up their car. Then I turned around and started to run back home. I had to run fast, cause their route home was on the same one that led back to Edmonton. Weirder and weirder, I know. I was running very fast. Usually, I run stupid slow in dreams. This time, it was fast. I had nice thin legs too. Not chubby thighs. I liked it. I want to run. I want to run now.

First, I have to lose some weight. I have tried the exercise thing and I just kill my back. But if I change my diet and exercise together, that should make a difference. I hope. I think I will keep a journal of my progress. It might inspire me to keep it up. That and maybe some cheering from my peeps might keep me in line, too. (That's if any of you read my blog anymore.)

I can do it. I can bare my soul. What the hell! It's only life.

Tomorrow, will be day 1. Right now, I will wait off this inevitable heartburn, that is on the way.

P.S. And no more ice cream too! Doh! :(

Soul Searching

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking, as of late. (No kidding.) Well, I have been reflecting on my choices over the last few years. Mostly centering on the choices I have made since high school. I've been focusing on the big decision: not choosing to go straight into university with my other friends and working in a bar for about 4 years and getting a mediocre education through NAIT and meeting new friends along the way etc.

Would I change any of it? Would I take it back, if I could?

That is a tough question. Cause if I take it back, what would I gain? And what would I lose? Sure, I would have a lead-up on my career. I would be exactly where I would want to be right now. But, I didn't know what I wanted to be then. I didn't know I wanted to be an accountant. I thought my future was with cooking and baking. Sure, I still enjoy doing that stuff. But I didn't know it then. I know it now. Making that wrong choice, has brought me to what I know now. Yeah, I guess wisdom is always hindsight.

If I had followed that path, I may not have met Lee. I wouldn't even have Brandon. I wouldn't have the wonderful group of friends I have now. I wouldn't have met new people. I wouldn't have lost the old ones. I wouldn't have loved and lost. I wouldn't have learned the same lessons. I have made the same choices. I wouldn't be as wise. I wouldn't be where I am today.

And would I change it, if I could?

No. I don't think I would change it. Not now. My family, my experiences and the people I know are worth more than any regret. So, I don't like my choices. There is always time to make a change. If I have regrets, I can make amends now. So, I didn't know it until I was 27. Some people never figure it out. That's a lifetime wasted.

It's all about what Curly means, when he holds up that finger. "One Thing." What's that "One Thing" that is most important to you? The rest doesn't matter.

I've figured mine out.

Tidbits

We are okay now. We found a daycare that can take Brandon for April. Their rate is reasonable and they are quite close to our place. I hope he has a good time there and makes lots of friends. The place was recomended by a friend of mine who happens to be a daycare worker. Lee and I both saw the place and met with the director. We think it's a good place. Also, the assitant director is best friends with my friend who recommended the place. Sometimes, that turns out not to mean anything. But, all the workers we saw and talked with, were very attentive and quite nice. They also have an open door policy and welcome the parents at any time. I might just take them up on that, sometime.

I finally went clothes shopping yesterday. I have finally updated my casual and professional wardrobe. All for about $350. Not bad.

And last, but not least, "Battlestar Galactica has just jumped the shark!"

Better Off Now

It feels like a bad dream. Oh wait, it's reality. I don't want to think about it anymore. We all know Erica is an inconsiderate bitch and screwed me choice. I don't want to talk about it anymore. If I do, I am moving forward with the situation.

Right now, I have a few possibilities open to me. Things are looking up. And it will definitly be for the best. I know that, now.

It still hurts, though.

Screwed to the Bone

Fuck payoffs and fuck everything! We get home from buying groceries this morning and I hear someone leaving a message. It's Erica. Our "supposed to be" dayhome provider. I picked up the phone while she was leaving a message. She started off with "I am sorry. I don't know how to tell you this..." Immedietly, I know something is wrong. I know she is going to tell me something I won't like. Why did she even being the conversation with this phrase? It's so fucking obvious what she is about to say.

She tells me that she can no longer take Brandon in April. She already has 2 kids she is looking after. She is getting a 3rd (repeat customer) to come into her home. She "feels" adding one more temporarily is too many for her to take care of. Well, la de fuckin' da! You decide tell me this 1 week before I return to work? What the fuck am I supposed to do? She verbally agreed, everything was cool and good to go, a week ago. In that time she accepts another kid. Well, I guess they must've paid her on the spot. Otherwise, I think she is completely fucking insiderate. No, I think she is inconsiderate regardless.

It is incovientent and I am quite pissed off, but honestly, I don't think I would be As upset if we hadn't double checked with her a week ago and everything was still good to go. No contract was signed and no money was exchanged, I admit. But, her verbal agreement should have held.

I feel very screwed. I know shit happens for a reason. But with all the debt crap we are going through, I was secure, in my mind, we had a good provider in place for Brandon. And now I just feel so screwed.

Let's Channel A little Destiny's Child..."Bills, Bills, Bills"

Today, we were expecting a big payoff. Oh yeah, Lee and I made up. Anyways, we were expecting something to come through and it didn't. It sucks when something doesn't meet your expectations. And it hurts more, when it is about money.

All I am going to say is:

DEBT FUCKING SUCKS!

Here At the Library...

Well, right now I am pissed at Lee. What else is new? We had another fight where I am convinced he is being inconsiderate. Again, what else is new? Maybe I just expect too much. Cause Lee is so good, normally, I just have high expectations all the time. Maybe.

Anyways, not much else to say. Besides, this keyboard sucks ass! I hitthe spacebar. I know I do. But, the damn thingdoesnotwork. I haveto go back over thingstwice. It'sstupid. Seriously, theyshould fork over$50 and getanew keyboard. Come on, it'snot expensiveandit's notrocketscience. Fuckin' cheap people!

Slump

I have not updated in a while mostly cause I have been sorting through my feelings. (See previous blog.) I don't want to think about it anymore. I am sick of it.

This week I am making plans to get out and see people I have been neglecting for a while. I have so many things going on, I feel like I have a life. Is that right? Can I have one? And still have a child? I feel like I might neglected said child. To me, it's always one or the other. Not both. Are there people who can have both?

All Mixed Up on A High Horse

Brandon has been up since 2:30am. Lee took the first shift, then I took Brandon for a little while, now Lee is downstairs with him again. He is just restless. He can't seem to get comfortable. When he stops moving for a while, and I think he is out, I try and move him and as soon as I put him in his crib, he freaks! He cries and cries and cries. After about 10 minutes of this, I go to get him and he is on his knees holding on to the side of the crib. His cry is frantic and his face is soaked in tears. What is wrong? Did he have a nightmare? Is he teething? If he was, wouldn't he be crying all the time? I don't know. Hopefully, Brandon will pass out from exhaustion.

And now, I can't sleep. I have too many things on my mind.

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday regarding my return to work. I didn't know if I would be given my full position back. So, I went in, to discuss it. I'll be honest, I guess I expected more. Everyone is telling me, that I am so underpaid (which is probably true) and now I have more knowledge (with 2 CGA courses behind me) and I deserve the remuneration. The money and more to do with the financial statements. Ultimately, I thought I would get something that was more relevent to what I was learning.

I was not given any of my old duties. They are gone. I have been given a self-directed project within A/P. I'm not going to go into details. But, I am not sure how I feel about the position given to me. In many ways, I think it is good cause I am given a self-directed project which I am sure is a way to prove myself. Then I will be given more to do and (hopefully more pay) and hopefully more to do with the financial statements and well, things relevent to my pursuit of education. I am also sitting in the mailroom. Yeah. I don't see that as a step up. Every afternoon, there is a noisy mail machine that is run. I can see that being very disruptive. I can see myself, finding any excuse, to be out of that room, at that time. They say it is temporary. But I think otherwise.

(Deleted)

I know, we make our own fate. This is not fatalist view. There is no finality to it. If I want something better, then I go out and get it. (Deleted)

On top of that, my high school reunion is being organized. I think I might already have a wedding to go to that day, but I don't know. There are people I want to see again. Sure. There are others, I never want to see again. I would cross to the opposite side of the street to avoid them. Why? Cause I have nothing to say to them. I think they are stupid. I hope they come to terms with their unhappy lives, and live with it.

God, I am mean! What's up with that?

And there is a classmate in there, I don't mind seeing, who is in the same profession (and I am sure it was handed to her, on a silver platter) I know she is competitive, she was when we were in school and I am jealous of her, too. She is what I want to be.

This is such a negative post. I have to go.

I was Wired....now....Zzzzzz

I am psyched! This is my 200th post. Wow! Most TV shows don't even get to this point. Most good ones don't even get here. I am kind of glad I have put quite a bit effort into this. Most of the time, I start something and then quit it just a little while later. I am glad, I am not a quitter in this.

Speaking of not quitting, I just wrote my TX1 final tonight. I think I did okay. I feel I passed. I'm not sure by how much. But that is not important. The important thing is I passed.

The next course I will be taking is in the summer. July specifically. Right now, it is good to take a break. *Ah!*

Now, I get to enjoy the last 2 weeks of my Mat Leave before I return to work. I should call my boss and set up an appointment to talk about my position. I should do that. Tomorrow. Right now, I am starting to fall asleep.

I also wanted to say, L , I had a nice time hanging with you after the exam. We should do definitly do it again when we get our marks. I would be up for that.

Finally, T good luck! I know you will do great.

Tomorrow, I will blog about other stuff, but right now I need to sleep.

P.S. D, I am sorry you are sick. I am still sick. Not as bad. It didn't effect my exam. But I am still not over it. I hope you feel better soon.

One More Day

That's right. One more before I take my Tax1 final. Now, I am nervous. I did the practice exam and....9 out 29 on one part. That's all that needs to be said. I could've just been having an off day. Oh yeah, OFF!

Well, I have one more day to get some study time in. I will be at the library all day tomorrow. I need every moment I can get.

It's not that I don't know the stuff. I do. I better. This is the second time I am taking it. Okay, it's not that. It's not any of that. I know what I am doing. I know what I do. In all things. These damn exam questions are designed to be hard. They are! To quote something pretty old and almost anti-feminist really, "It's what seperates the men from the boys." It's true. So to speak.

So, did anyone see Battlestar Gallactica yesterday? Fuckin' Awesome! I still love Baltar. Still the most interesting character. That new lawyer is interesting. Any bets he might be a cylon? Nah, probably not. I bet Starbuck is, though. That's one way to explain why she killed herself. Would it be a cop-out explination? I don't think so, if they do it right. And so far, things are done well. All I have to say is, "Thank God the fuckin' Lee-Starbuck triangle-tripod-four-way is gone!" Anyways, I'm not sure anyone else on Galactica is a cylon though. I think we get only surprise. Otherwise too many actors are doing double duty and I don't think they would do that.

Must go. More Veronica Mars. Tonight we start the mystery of, "Who killed of Dean O'Dell?" And already, I have no idea.

Study Snack

My first batch of chocolate chip cookies are out of the oven. *Ah!* Smell the chocolatey-chip goodness! I needed a sweet snack to keep up my energy on studying. Nothing beats the over-loaded chocolate chip cookies. Yum!

Okay, enough of that. You know, I am not as worried for my TX1 exam, as I was for my FA4 exam. I wonder why that is. Perhaps it is because it is an open book exam. Maybe. Or could be because I have taken this material before. I don't know. I will find out later when I do my first practice exam.

In the meantime. It's snack time!

Baby Germs are for Free

This week, Brandon somehow managed to get a cold. And what do babies like to do when they are sick? Be sick on mommy. He was real snotty and wiped his face a lott. Then he would stick his fingers in my mouth. Cause that was fun, apparently. Now, I am sick. Hopefully, I will get rid of most of this, if not all of it, before my exam. I know, that if I take my exam, with a cold, I will do poorly. I just will. That is the way it always is.

People Piss Me Off!

All I seem to do is rant when I blog. Today is no different.

Brandon and I went for a walk this afternoon. It was the first day, in a long time, that the weather was decent enough to take the stroller out. Anyways, as I was rounding the corner, at the far end of my block, I had a tough time getting the stroller down the walk cause the DUMB FUCKERS that live there have not shovelled their snow. Now get this. They shovelled the snow in front of their house, but it was the snow, off to the side that was not shovelled.

Now, I must ask, when someone lives in a corner lot, don't they have to shovel all around their property? Doesn't the walk, that goes around the corner, have to be shovelled as well? What the fuck? What kind of fuckin' person shovels the walk, directly in front of their house and not shovel the walk that goes around the side?

LAZY FUCKIN' PEOPLE! That's who!

And you know, the house looks well kept. At least in the summer, the lawn and garden, look well maintained. I know shovelling snow is a strain sometimes, but please show your property the same diligence in the winter, that you show it in the summertime. Cause right now, I think you people are fucking assholes! I don't like you! And I don't want to like you. Cause you make it really hard for me, to be the better person.

A Sucker Born

(Warning: The following tale has extreme profanity.)

The batteries in my calculator have died. I bought them back in September. My batteries have died 5 months after their purchase. What the fuck? How did I get short-term batteries? Double AA's last longer then these tiny shit batteries! I am so pissed.

Well, I need my calculator for my exam and, I might as well have a useful one, while I study. So I went out to get new batteries this evening. I went to the TSCC at the mall. (The same exact store I bought the previous replacement batteries.) I picked up 2 new batteries and just before I paid for them, the clerk asked if I wanted to purchase a warranty on the batteries. Why the fuck would I do that? They are batteries! Five-dollar fucking batteries! Why would anybody buy a warranty on five-dollar fucking batteries? It doesn't make any sense. They are so fucking cheap, why would anyone buy a warranty?

You know, this is the second time, in less than half a year, that I am buying these stupid fucking batteries. The original batteries, that came with the calculator, lasted over two years. How the fuck did I get duds? What the fuck?

I was offered to purchase the warranty, when I bought the last two. I declined it then. Because good sense told me to save $3.00 and not waste it on a stupid fucking warranty for $5.00 batteries.

So, I purchased the warranty. Because the last batteries I bought before, died before their time. I bought a $1.50 warranty on $5.00 batteries. I am covered, if my batteries die within 3 years, I get free replacement. Oh yay. And I bet you all the tea in China, these batteries will not fail in 3 years. And I seriously do not need anymore tea. My cupboard is full.

Confessions of a Happy Day

Today was a good day overall. Today was D's 2nd birthday. I hope she had a good day. She seemed to be busy, opening presents, going off and playing over here and there, then wanting to eat and then play some more. I hope it wasn't all just a blur.

I started to get my usual chest pains in the evening. Still not sure what causes those. I know they are not a heartattack. (Went to the hospital, one time, to find out.) I know, I should probably go see my doctor about it. Lee seems to think it is dairy related. I sure hope not. I love cream and cheese. I don't know if I could give that up. But, you see, sometimes I do get pain from eating those things. It is only sometimes. It might be the combination. Maybe something else I eat with it triggers the pain. Oh who knows! Someday I will find out.

Tomorrow is another study day. Not really looking forward to it, surprisingly. I don't feel like studying. (Chest pains will do that to you.)

I finally used up the itunes card I got for my birthday. I purchased some music videos and some soundtracks. I am quite pleased with my purchases. I dowloaded the Johnny Cash video with all the celebs we know and love, Beck's "Loser" and A-ha's "Take on Me". The soundtracks I downloaded are Blood and Chocolate and Over the Hedge. A shame, most of the songs from Blood and Chocolate are not on the soundtrack. They will be releasing another soundtrack soon. Hopefully the songs from the movie will be on that one. Over the Hedge has songs by Ben Folds on it. Who would think? But awesome.

I have something to say. I have made mistakes. I am far from perfect. I know people who have done things, that I don't approve of. There are those who talk, behind peoples backs. And we all think, they don't know what they say. And I am just as guilty of talking about people behind their backs. And openly sharing my disapproval. Well, who the fuck am I? Who am I to judge and critisize others? I am not a better human being. Who am I to judge based on my standards? What the fuck do my standards mean to anyone else? I am not better. Who am I to say that someone else is wrong, because something they do goes against my sensibilities? We are all human. We all make mistakes. Cause I have made a big one. I just want to say "I am sorry." No excuses. No Buts. No promises. Just, "I am sorry."

Moving Forward

Right now, Brandon is sleeping. Time for me to update on some things.

First, I really hate how your body psych's you into thinking something is there, when really it is not. Those of you in the know, you know what I mean. The hopeful part is disappointed. But I am relieved nonetheless.

My tax study sessions are going slow. I haven't had a chance to finish the exam review. I wonder, if I will ever get through it.

I am not sure if I will be taking another course again, till the fall. I would like some time off, but 2 semesters may be too long of a break. I don't know. I'll figure it out. Right now, I can only take 2 courses, without taking Management Information Systems. MIS is a pre-requesite for everything else. What the fuck? Why? What a pile of crap! Well, if I can take it through NAIT in the summer, I will. If not the summer, maybe the fall. Hopefully, L will take it with me. Get it done. Get it over with.

Otherwise my options are:

Management Accounting 2

Holy crap! No!

Accounting Theory 1

Ah, case study hell! What fun.

And Last, but not least, Taxation 2.

Wow, the hardest course, in CGA history....hmmm...options fading fast.

Then I must take MIS to move forward. I will eventually, have to take the above listed courses too. But by then, I may be a little more confident in my abilities.

I know, I should be studying now. But I feel weird. I don't know why. I just don't feel like doing anything. Anything productive, that is. I need to stop feeling this way. *Stop it, now.*

Yeah, it's not working.

*Lightbulb Going Off*

I know what it is. It's pre-work anxiety. Holy shit, it's back! I know I do not have to go back to work for 1 month yet, but it's here early. In all it's terrifying glory! Great. A whole month of worry.

Oh, Those Witty Accountants!

I have started studying for my tax final and I am doing a question on the treatment of capital gains. I screwed up in regards to the treatment of the principal residence. Just to refresh my brain, I wanted to look up the info on the treatement of a principal residence, in my textbook.

Realizing I could flip through several pages looking for one topic, I started my quest in the index. Logical. I start with the topic: Capital Gain. Also, logical. Next, I look for the sub-topic of: Principal Residence. And this is what I found.

*principal residence - see also principal residence

What? Is that possible?

Wait a minute, now after, just writing this, I realize what it means. Forget everything I just said. I am going to go fall off a roof or something.

And the Winner Is....Not Who You Think

There were some nice surprises on tonights academy awards. My favourite one was Alan Arkin for "Little Miss Sunshine". That was one of the films I did see and I thought he was great in it. I figured it would be overlooked by the academy. I was wrong. Several of the pics I made, did win. But there was about as many correct winners as there was surprises.

Favourite moment: Will Farrell and Jack Black and John C. Rielly singing on stage about doing films that just don't get nominated for academy awards.

Most See-Through Moment: Jerry Seinfeld "auditioning" to do next year's academy awards. So obvious. But funny nonetheless.

Ellen Degeneres was an okay host. She was politically correct and did not offend anybody. She kept all the humor "in the house". She just talked about the films and awards. She kept it safe. She was okay, but I wouldn't ask her back to do it again anytime soon. I love Ellen and her humour, she needed to take more risks. Overall, she was fun. Get her to host again in 5 years.

Also, what is up with all those wardrobe changes? Bring one dress people. Guys? They one have one suit. Or in this case, tux. Get with it people. Wear the dress long enough for people to remember it.

Most of the dresses were nice. A lot of crappy fashion this year. Even those from "The Devil Wears Prada". From a movie about fashion, they sure wore the crappiest fashion there. Disgraceful. Except for Emily Blunt in her sparkling sapphire piece. She looked great. I liked Beyonce's dress. It was divalicious, but subtly elegant. As well, Kate Winslet wore the mint green. J Lo's dress was surprisingly lovely in pink and sparkles. Just the wrong style of gown. Helen Mirren's boobs were just too prominent in that gown. Wrong dress for an award for a such a reserved character. And what is up with Kirsten Dunst picking crappy gowns these days. I just don't like her taste. Nicole looked like a walking candy apple. Jessica Biel what is up with the hot pink? Are you trapped in the 80's? Celine Dion really worked the green piece she came in. Reese looked good her black piece, continuing her modern style. Cameron Dia looked shockingly good as well. She was not wearing the over-baked tan and white wispy dress she was wearing at the Golden Globes. This look was much more flattering. Gwenyth was just too forgetable. The dress might've worked, but the colour was just too bland for me.

Now for the highlights of the evening: Pan's Labrynth not winning for best foreign film. What's up with that? Quite a few of the smaller categories took the risks (the were needed all over) and made the show worth watching. Marie Antoinette winning it's only nomination for best costume design. But seriously who needs an award for designing corsets and flowing skirts? That shits' been done people. I admit, sewing and putting it together is tough work. But it is not anything new.

Al Gore did not use his award win as a political stepping stone to announce his candidacy for running for president. Perhaps, he understands, there and times and places for these things. Again, that man has tremendous character and and is a true man of the people.

And how about Martin Scorcesse winning for best director? Huh people? That's right keep clapping. He is, THAT great. And what a give away huh? Having Spielberg, Coppola and Lucas give away the award. Once they hit the stage, Lee pointed out, they are all Scorcesse's chums. At that point, I knew he was a winner.

And how about "The Departed" getting every Oscar it was nominated for. Except for best supporting Oscar, for Mark Walhberg? Poor Marky Mark. I mean Mark.

And thankfully, we did not see Anna Nicole Smith get a mention in the reel of "People who passed away". She did not contribute to anything. She was not anyone of note.

Ah, I never really ultimately care who wins or who dies. Who dies? What? Oh I mean who wins, cause it is all a popularity contest. It is never really about who deserves the honour. Sometimes it is. But mostly, it is about who has everybody seen. And who does everybody want to win. Once it while, they will surprise you. But mostly, the Oscars has become predictable and boring and safe. The bet has become a sure thing. And with the few surprises this evening, perhaps the academy is ready to acknowledge the lack lustre of its ways.

Oscar Predictions

Okay, Lee and I made up last night. There. I said it. Now get outta here.

Right now, Brandon is watching "Go Diego Go". I think he likes TV way too much. I think I have conditioned him to have it on at certain times. Is this really bad? Am I retarding my son? Is he going to get ADD? But TV does calm him. He plays while he watches and likes to cuddles before a nap, while he watches. I think it is okay. As long as it is not on ALL the time.

Tonight is the Oscars! I am excited. For the first time, in like 5 years, the family will stay home and have a quiet Oscar night. I am eager to see the fashions that hit the red carpet. Am I weird? I don't think so. Everybody likes an attractive woman in a hot dress. Well...we do. But no commentary on the Oscars would be complete without some predictions of who will go home with an Oscar. (Now bare in mind, I have not seen most of these films. My pics are purely based off of hearsay, from multiple reviewers and other people.)

My pics are:

For best supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson is a given. You would be stupid to bet on anyone else. We all know, she is going to win. Even Jennifer Hudson knows.

For best supporting actor: This is the one category I don't know for sure. All the bets were on Eddie Murphy. That was until he came out with "Norbit". But maybe enough people voted before that atrocity hit the theatres. This is the one category I welcome a surprise. I would like to see Jackie Earle Haley win for "Little Children" just because he play a pedophile with a heart of gold. If anyone can pull that off....well that's almost insane.

For best actress: Helen Mirren in "The Queen" is the favourite to win. I like Helen Mirren. She can have it. I would like this category to surprise me too, but Mirren is the best bet.

For best actor: Forest Whitaker has it. Friends tell me he is "spot on" as his portrail of the Ugandan dictator Idi Amin. Then he should get it. I like Ryan Gosling too. I would love for him to win, but I don't think he will. I will barf if Dicaprio get it! I just can't buy him as an actor.

For best director: Everyone says this is Scorcesse's year. Friends say, "The Departed", is not his best piece, but he should get it because he deserves one. Well, considering the academy does that A LOT (giving an award to someone who deserves it, but not necassarily for that particular piece) *cough cough* Russell Crowe. This will be Scorcesse's year.

For best picture: This will be the one award "Babel" gets.

Some random stuff:

"Cars" will get best animated feature.

"Dreamgirls" will win best costume design.

"Pan's Labrynth" will win for best foreign language film.

And Al Gore will receive one oscar, for best documentry feature for "An Inconvienent Truth".

One of the three songs nominated from "Dreamgirls" will win for best song.

"Borat" will win best adapted screenplay. It only has one nomination and it will win.

And, last but not least, "United 93" will get best film editing. Cause it will get something, as well.

Now, lets see if I am right.

Anger Management and the Best Chocolate Chip Cookies Ever!

Well, Lee and I just had a fight. What a surprise there. It was all about time, again. About how he is just such and inconsiderate bastard. But I don't want to elaborate. Kinda because I'm not sure how "right", I am and because I...just...don't want to.

Right now, I am updating my blog (obviously) and I just finished folding laundry. I am about to start a practice exam. Right after I finish changing the the next load.

You know, I try to be understanding, when it comes to Lee's demands and projects, but why would you take on extra stuff to do or make promises about deadlines while 1) you are a parent when time (Time? Time? What's that?) REALLY means nothing? And 2) I am taking a 4th level CGA course. I NEED time. I seriously need it. And then make ALL DAY plans, that does not involve you looking after Brandon, while I am in crunch mode for my final? I am pissed. Lee has just left, with his equipment, and Brandon is asleep upstairs. Only God knows how long that will be! I'm just fuckin' pissed right now! I really wish I could drink. I could use one.

On a lighter note, I made the best chocolate chip cookies, yesterday. Yes, they were really are the best. Ooeeey Gooeey Chewy cookies! Yum Yum! The cookies are still soft and just sweet enough. I had, maybe, a hand full of chocolate chips for cookies, but I didn't let that stop me. I used up some of my baking squares. I just chopped them up in my brand new food processor (from Christmas). It made some fine cookie crumble. The dough looked, literally, like cookie dough ice cream. It had big chunks, small chunks, some as big as your head. No! Just kidding! Lots of crumbs, which made the cookies looks like they have freckles. They are loaded with chocolate. That is all you need to know. Also, I used vanilla that was given to us by some friends of ours. They picked it up from Mexico. They claimed it was, "The best vanilla ever!" They weren't wrong. That vanilla made those cookies the best. But now, I am out of sugar and flour. But I have a cookies jar full of cookies.

Baby Play

I was playing with my son this afternoon today. I stopped for moment, cause I was getting tired and just watched Brandon play. I really enjoyed watching him play. I enjoyed watching him finger and touch things and learn how they worked. It is simple stuff but it was the highlight of my day.

A Nice Surprise

Not much to say at the moment. I had another dream I was back working as a bartender. Why do I keep having this dream? I really do not want to do that anymore. The only reason I would be because I owned a bar and ran it. I thought about it. I wouldn't mind. I enjoy the social aspect of it and the accounting for a small business. It just needs startup capital. Ah shoot! There's always something.

You know, I really enjoy talking to my friends....on the phone. In person, too. Whenever we chat, I usually feel pretty good about things. Even my financial situation. When really, my phonecalls have no baring on that what-so-ever. It's funny. Not in a ha-ha way. But you know what I mean.

I kinda sudo-did my taxes the other day and I found I will not get as a high as return as I originally expected. That sucks! I thought with the way the less money I made, I would get a slightly better return. Fat Fucking Chance! Oh well, more money in the pile, I guess.

Something interesting happened today. I received an email. What? That's it? No. The email was from an old high school aquaintance. Nevermind the fact that the email was from November, it was someone reaching out to chat and stuff. So I replied. I checked for my high schol alumni on line and found two more. I inturn, reached out to them. Now, lets hope I get some emails back.

Things are looking up. Look. Look waaaaaaaaaaaaaay up!

Forgetting Someone?

I had a dream last night (and this is where my brother closes the internet window.) Yes, another dream. It was the first day back to work for me. I had just come home for lunch. I don't know why. Someone I was paying was coming over to watch my kids for the afternoon. So, she comes by, via bus, and brings her whole family. I think it was my friend R. Anyways, Lee is still home and some of my random friends start showing up like K & K & A. I am grabbing a few things to eat, cause I am supposed to be going back to work. Then, it hits me. I forgot to pick up Brandon. The dayhome lady and her hudband drive by to drop off my son, cause I wasn't there to pick him up at 12pm. Then my phone rings. It's work wondering if I am returning to work. I say of course. I am on my way. I go back to preparing my lunch when I wake up. Weird! What kind of sign is that? Am I going to be able to juggle work and homelife? I don't know if I can do it. I might go crazy and....forget to pick up my son? Yeah, sure. Tell me working moms, how do you do it? How do you keep it straight? Your head, that is. How can fit in so much to do and remember and stay on track?

Anniversary Date

Last night Lee and I went on another date for our 4 year anniversary. We went to dinner at Red lobster. All I can say is: Yum! Afterward it was around 8:30pm and we didn't want to the night to end so we went to a late show. We saw Blood and Chocolate. I knew nothing about this film going into it. It was a modern werewolf romance tale. The only actor in the film I knew, was the sexy Hugh Dancy. After researching the movie this morning, it was nothing like the book it was based off of. Even the ending was different than the novel. But since I knew nothing about the story or the original novel, I enjoyed it. I liked it enough I would pick it up on DVD. The gore wasn't too much, the sex was non-existent and the story being unpredictable at about half-way turning point. I found that anyways. And Brandon was asleep at the end of the night when we came home. It was nice to be able to have a date with my husband. *sigh* I love my husband. I love and adore you. I am thankful for you everyday.

Universal Happiness

I was talking with my sister-in-law this evening about achedeuling a dinner with her family. Whe finally agreed on a date and then it came down to food. After mulling over a few foods, we decided on something that we knew our children would definitly eat. If Brandon and Mackenzie would enjoy something, we would enjoy it as well. All moms out there, you know it's true. When everyone in your family is happpy, you are happy.

Haunting Melodies - Chantel Concert Review

Lee and I just got home from the Chantel Kreviazuk concert. The theme was melodic and heavy. Lots of beats were left out this time around. Fast songs were slowed down and slow songs were even slower. Despite the darker tone, she tried to the keep the mood light with her witty banter. She even invited some kids, down in front, to sit on stage, who could not see that well. They have fron t row tickets. How bad can those seats be? Well, for little kids...maybe they can just peer over the edge. Who knows? I wasn't down there. I don't know how bad the view was.

At about half way through the concert someone yelled out, "Grace". Chantel was already a few notes into the next song, but stopped and started to play the request. She even choked up durring the number and quickly ran off stage after the song was finished. She came back and appologized. She told the audience that someone was here, at the concert, that shouldn't be there. She told them to leave. The tone was very serious after that.

The show never really came back to the lighter side after that emotional moment. She came back once for a few encores. She sat on the edge of the stage with no mic, just her guitar and sang "Far Away" Not a noise was made. All ears were on her. As she was leaving to say goodnite, her baby boy came to the edge of the stage, with his arms stretched and gave his mom a great big hug. It was sweet. All in all, a nice night.

Veronica Mars - She's a Marshmellow

I have a new obsession. Her name...is Veronica Mars. What a fantastic show! She is very liekable. Yet, how does she find time to play detective for her father and friends and still manage to have the highest grade point average of her graduating class? Tell me that? Huh? Yeah, that is why it is TV land and not real life. But, I saw the first few episodes last Saturday and now I am finished up to the end of season 2. Yeah, I know. What didn't I do to make it that far into Veronica Mars? I did do some studying, if that is what you are thinking. I read a little. Tried listening to some audio lectures and couldn't bare it about half way. I think the lecturer is starting to get nauseating. I did pay attention to Brandon too....although I think that is where I skimped the most. Bad mommmy!

(WARNING: Spoilers Ahead. Stop reading if you have not watched the show and are planning to. Which you should. It is a very interesting and well written show. Continue on, if have watched the show or nothing surprises you anymore. )

Anyways, my favourite character I would love to have a cup of coffee with: Keith Mars. I like him. I like him alot. Best TV dad. I wish Keith's and Veronica's relationship was more open than they thought it was. But the secret comes out evenually, which is okay. Just learn people. Full disclosure is best. Like our girls says, "The good one is the one who stays. " In this case, she would be right.

And Logan. M, you are right. I both love and loathe him. In a bad girl way. He's a wild one, but oh so with the heart of gold, when it counts. Did I see the attraction brewing? Did I see the kiss coming? Yeah, I think I did. I was starting to like Logan more and I think Veronica was too.

And what about our special guest stars? Hmmm? Mr. Kevin Smith as the conviences store clerk. Yeah, no connection there. *cough cough* Clerks. He kinda stole the scene there. No kidding! Lee tells me, he likes to improvise his roles. He likes to rant. It sure seems like he did. And what about our very own Joss Whedon? Very yuppie. And again, he tried to steal the scene. Kinda...didn't. It only worked cause the geeky audience knew who these guys were. But still, it is obvious. They are fanboys.

The big story arch mysterys are good and very well thought out. And, better than those on 24. Last year, it seemed like halfway through the season they came up with the president being the bad guy. I didn't seem like it was thought out completely. Veronica Mars connects all over the span of 2 seasons. Very clever. And talk about, NOT toning it down with the teen sex. Am I just such a yuppie cause I didn't have sex till I was 20? In fact, I don't think I dated until I was 19. Did I miss something?

Now, I must seriously put my nose to the grindstone and study. I was looking back over my old tax notes. Sadly, the only ones I could find belong to corporate tax. Holy Shit, there are a lot of fucking steps. There is a reason they split up personal and corporate tax. It's fucking hard. With both at stake at the same time....oh dear God! And I only have an advantage cause I have taken the material before. Well, I better start cracking.

The System Prevails

I got a response from the marker co-ordinator on the questionable grading on my last assignemtn. My assignment question 1 got re-evaluted by another marker. I gained a whole 10 marks. Yuppie!!!! I know the marks don't really matter. I can't take them into the exam, but I thought the assignment was graded unfairly. And I was right. Hopefully, I don't have to go through this again. Ah, no such luck.

And the Winner For Crappier ISP Provider Goes To...

And telus is....down again. Shock of all shocks! I can already be online and then the pages just don't seem to load. "Page Cannot Be Displayed" is well, displayed. Fuckin' Telus! They are sending out a crappy-ass tech tomorrow afternoon. I really don't want to be dealing with this. I would rather just switch providers. I have talked to people and they all seem to think that Shaw is an acceptable alernative. Do you agree? If I do not like what happens yesterday, I am yanking the plug (metaphorically).

I am, right now, at the library. I should be studying. But, I am taking a break. Yeah, a break. *sigh*

Today has been pretty crazy. We installed the carseat lent to us by the wonderful T & H. Unfortuantly it was a pain to install. The straps were not even and Brandon was crying and I was getting angry, Lee wasn't explaining crap well and I snapped at both Lee and Brandon. Not a fun time.

2 hours later, the carseat was successfully installed with a proper way to loosen and tighten. I took Brandon over to visit his grandma and we chatted about...stuff. Don't ask me what. I don't even remember.

I will be missing 24 tonight. *Shedding a tear* But Lee is recording it for me. Jack Bauer and I will be re-united soon. *sniff sniff*

Last Night

The party last night was great. I had lots of fun. I was glad to see everybody who came. And you know what? I could've stayed up till 3 am talking with Lee, S, S, and A about Harry Potter and crappy George Lucas. Yes, seriously.

The only thing I did not think was best was the fact that I did not get to talk to everybody. I don't like that. I feel like I neglect somebody. If I didn't get to talk to any of you, I am sorry.

Now, I must get myself back into study mode. Hmmm...that might be more harder than I think. Despite having passed FA4, I still don't feel motivated. That has to change somehow.

Here are some cool new My Space's for everybody to check out.

http://myspace.com/primepete

The above link is for my awesome brother's personal site. Check it out. He is witty.

http://myspace.com/leeconrad

The next link is for my husband's site. He is currently trying to post his Diego's and Lee's strip on it. Stay tuned for the next installment.

I think I need to keep up with my friends. I think I am going to get back into reading blogs again. I know it is not good to admit you aren't up to date on other people lives' but I have not had much of a chance to check out other blogs since Telus turned into a crappy internet provider. Also, my course is demanding. And I have a baby. Like these are excuses. Okay, maybe the first one is. Anyways, you get the point. (Forgive me My Space users. I do not have a My Space ID so I will not be able to comment on your bogs.)

I was given a copy of Veronica Mars for my brithday from my other awesome brother. I checked out the first 2 episodes and I like it. I'm not at the place where it is like crack, but I am intruiged by the mystery and Veronica is very likeable. She is bitter and sarcastic. And there is a tragic element to her isolation which I find an underlying bittersweetness to, yet full-filling. Strange? Hmmm. She is someone I would really like to be friends with.

New Battlestar tonight. Ooooo...can't wait!

Inspiration

I want to talk about someone who inspires me.

Almost 8 years ago, there was a man who lived in Edmonton. He had a dream to be a journalist and live in New York. He had just obtained his journalism degree from university. He put just about everything he owned into storage and tied up all of his loose ends here in Edmonton. So with a dream in one hand and a suitcase in the other, he set out for New York.

He didn't know what was in store or what to expect. He just knew what he wanted. A career as a writer in New York.

He left late summer and stayed with the few friends he knew just to get by until he landed on his feet. He had a few job interviews. Even one at the place he did his internship which included a glowing recommendation of: "This is the best intern we had ever had!" durring the interview. Yet, he did not land that job. You think he would've.

Anyways, you think with the rejections this guy was getting, he was going back to his friends' apartment, crying and curling up on his inflatable matress into the fetal position. Well, this guy has amazing confidence. Okay, think of the most confident person you know. Yeah? You know someone really confident? Well, multiply that by 100 and you have the person I am talking about. And there you go.

Back to our story, it wasn't until 3 months later that he landed a job being an assistant editor. He did it. He made it. He held onto it for over 7 years. Well, maybe not the same work place, but he is still there. In New York. Writing. He worked hard for it. And he works hard now, to hold on to it. He is a success. And I love him. I am proud of knowing him. And being related to him. I am proud of you, brother. And I love you. You inspire me.

Treats

My morning started with a lovely pancake breakfast and a gift from Lee. I now have a plug-in charger for my ipod. Then Lee made us lunch and I got a gift from Brandon. He gave me a golden snitch. Cute.

For the afternoon, the whole family went to the movies. We saw "Stranger Than Fiction". Awesome! Will Farrell is an incredible actor. He really carries that film. Go see it!

Now, we wait till about 5:30pm to go over to my mothers for a fabulous birthday dinner and birthday cake. Yum!

I PASSED!

Yes, it is true. I got 65%. I just squeaked by. And I'll take it. I never have to take FA4 again. YAY! Now, I can concentrate on passing Tax. Yup! Yup!

This mark made a great Happy Birthday surprise!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday Smart Mary! Happy Birthday to me!

And...Brandon is content playing on the floor, watching Seasame Street sketches. He even giggled a bit. He! He!

Conclusion

I am going for it. Fuck it! Who cares if I have to re-write an exam or two? Or by chance have top retake an entire course. You know what? It's not meant to be easy. I think I am in a funk cause I am not working right now. I am not working with accounting and I feel less motivated. That should all change when I get back to work. My FA4 mark will be out tomorrow. Pass or no pass? I try again. But, second time is the charm. I will pass the second time. Second time, there is not try. Only do.

I will be honest. Accounting - is not my passion. But I really do enjoy it. If I didn't, I wouldn't have come this far. But again, it is not meant to be easy. And I know I can do it.

My goal is to get to a obtain a professional standing, so I can work part-time and be with my family. Cause when they are in elementary, there are those teacher convention days that are always on a Thursday and Friday. I would like to be there and take them to the mall and go out for lunch. Cause the money pay-off, isn't all that important to me. Not really. Family and time are the most important to me. Whatever I can to NOW, that can give me the freedom with my family and time will be worth it. No matter the cost. Well, financial cost.

I am going to buckle down and be serious again. This funk has disrupted my study habits for far too long. Back to the library I go.

I will get right on that. Just after my birthday. *wink*

Scarey Movies and Self-Esteem Issues

Yesterday, A came over and we tried to watch "The Hills Have Eyes". (Caution: Graphic material Ahead) I hit my limit when the two women were trapped in the camper with two of the deformed men who were raping them while the baby was there screaming. One of the men put a gun to the baby's head and that was when I had to stop the movie. I had hit my limit. No, not the guy on fire, but the baby being fondled by the deformed...thing really bothered me. I couldn't handle that.

So, to counteract the bad vibes, we watched "Over the Hedge". After the horror, I felt creepy and really wanted to hold and cuddle with my son. So, I made it possible for Brandon to join us after I was traumatised. I felt much better. Brandon too, got to nap on mommy. I was happy to accomadate him.

Last night, I had a dream I was taking a practicum at being a News Anchorperson. We were having our final broadcasts being taped at a hotel. I had memorized what I was going to say. I was also going to interview the winner of Canada's Next Top Model. We could ask her 10 questions. I thought I had come up with good stuff. Until right before my turn, I realized I was wearing a prom dress and I couldn't smile naturally. I was fucked. That and the Top Model chick and I were having a lesbian affair. I am so glad dreams are not based on any kind of reality.

I have been doing more thinking about my funk. There are 2 possible explinations. One: Accounting is something I REALLY do not want to do. And I should either find something else to inspire me or I should be content being a $30 000 employee for the rest of my life. Or I am in funk cause my FA4 mark is right around the corner and I am in the throes of tax course which SUCKS ASS! My marker is a fuckin' bitch! She wants very specific answers. Cause I didn't word something correctly, (but even though I had the answer. I knew what to do.) I got 0. Fucker! Fuckin' Fuck Bitch! That and she wants me to cite the Tax Act to support my tax treatment of the item. Even though, it doesn't ask for it in the question. Can I challenge that? I dont' know. I'll just call her a fuckin' bitch!

Whenver my birthday approaches, I always seem to wander into self-doubt and think all my friends don't really love me. I feel very alone right now. I just need to work through internally that whatever I do, I am okay. I am just not there yet.