I PASSED!

Yes, it is true. I got 65%. I just squeaked by. And I'll take it. I never have to take FA4 again. YAY! Now, I can concentrate on passing Tax. Yup! Yup!

This mark made a great Happy Birthday surprise!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday Smart Mary! Happy Birthday to me!

And...Brandon is content playing on the floor, watching Seasame Street sketches. He even giggled a bit. He! He!

Conclusion

I am going for it. Fuck it! Who cares if I have to re-write an exam or two? Or by chance have top retake an entire course. You know what? It's not meant to be easy. I think I am in a funk cause I am not working right now. I am not working with accounting and I feel less motivated. That should all change when I get back to work. My FA4 mark will be out tomorrow. Pass or no pass? I try again. But, second time is the charm. I will pass the second time. Second time, there is not try. Only do.

I will be honest. Accounting - is not my passion. But I really do enjoy it. If I didn't, I wouldn't have come this far. But again, it is not meant to be easy. And I know I can do it.

My goal is to get to a obtain a professional standing, so I can work part-time and be with my family. Cause when they are in elementary, there are those teacher convention days that are always on a Thursday and Friday. I would like to be there and take them to the mall and go out for lunch. Cause the money pay-off, isn't all that important to me. Not really. Family and time are the most important to me. Whatever I can to NOW, that can give me the freedom with my family and time will be worth it. No matter the cost. Well, financial cost.

I am going to buckle down and be serious again. This funk has disrupted my study habits for far too long. Back to the library I go.

I will get right on that. Just after my birthday. *wink*

Scarey Movies and Self-Esteem Issues

Yesterday, A came over and we tried to watch "The Hills Have Eyes". (Caution: Graphic material Ahead) I hit my limit when the two women were trapped in the camper with two of the deformed men who were raping them while the baby was there screaming. One of the men put a gun to the baby's head and that was when I had to stop the movie. I had hit my limit. No, not the guy on fire, but the baby being fondled by the deformed...thing really bothered me. I couldn't handle that.

So, to counteract the bad vibes, we watched "Over the Hedge". After the horror, I felt creepy and really wanted to hold and cuddle with my son. So, I made it possible for Brandon to join us after I was traumatised. I felt much better. Brandon too, got to nap on mommy. I was happy to accomadate him.

Last night, I had a dream I was taking a practicum at being a News Anchorperson. We were having our final broadcasts being taped at a hotel. I had memorized what I was going to say. I was also going to interview the winner of Canada's Next Top Model. We could ask her 10 questions. I thought I had come up with good stuff. Until right before my turn, I realized I was wearing a prom dress and I couldn't smile naturally. I was fucked. That and the Top Model chick and I were having a lesbian affair. I am so glad dreams are not based on any kind of reality.

I have been doing more thinking about my funk. There are 2 possible explinations. One: Accounting is something I REALLY do not want to do. And I should either find something else to inspire me or I should be content being a $30 000 employee for the rest of my life. Or I am in funk cause my FA4 mark is right around the corner and I am in the throes of tax course which SUCKS ASS! My marker is a fuckin' bitch! She wants very specific answers. Cause I didn't word something correctly, (but even though I had the answer. I knew what to do.) I got 0. Fucker! Fuckin' Fuck Bitch! That and she wants me to cite the Tax Act to support my tax treatment of the item. Even though, it doesn't ask for it in the question. Can I challenge that? I dont' know. I'll just call her a fuckin' bitch!

Whenver my birthday approaches, I always seem to wander into self-doubt and think all my friends don't really love me. I feel very alone right now. I just need to work through internally that whatever I do, I am okay. I am just not there yet.

Stop Fucking Crying

Right now, Brandon is awake. He has been awake since sometime after 4am. Now, he is on the floor, crying. I have no sympathy for him. He wants to sleep. He wants to be awake. Well, what's it going to be? I am not playing his game. I trying cuddling him, giving him endless boob. But it is not good enough to put him asleep apparently. If he's not not going to take it, he can lump it. I see the tears, I have the urge to cuddle him, but he has pissed me off so much, I'd rather just let him cry. Am I evil? Quite possibly.

Yes, he is still crying. No I am not going to him.

A Day Off

You know, I never thought I would find being a parent so rewarding. There are some days where I think that, "God, why the fuck do I exist if shit like this happens to me?" Then I hang with Brandon for a bit and I realize that it's okay. Everything is okay. As long as he is okay. Things are fine. Is that strange?

Lee and I had a free day today. So, we thought we would go to the Stars and Strollers movie, but the only choice was "Freedom Writers". Hmmm...okay, I suppose. But not my first choice. There are plenty of films I would like to see before that one. Such as, "Dreamgirls" or "The Pursuit of Happyness" Two films, mind you, that were previously on the Stars and Strollers screens. Why the hell didn't they keep them there? Fuck! The one time I am able to the Stars and Strollers thing and they change it to crap. Well, fuck that! Besides, the previous two films got Oscar Nominations and Lee and I have not been able to see any of the nominated films. That would've been a great opportunity for us. But no! They have to change it to Hilary Swank's new movie. Fuck it!

So instead, we bought some pizza and heated up some chicken fingers and rented something from Video on Demand. We got to "Little Miss Sunshine". That was a great film. Was Alan Arkin deserving of the Oscar? Hmmm....not sure. The little girlwas great too. But the film is just too independent and too good that the Foreign Press will just overlook them and give the award to the flavour of the moment. Oh well, good for Jennifer Hudson, I guess. And all of her 15 minutes.

Tonight we are taking Brandon out for his first restaurant meal. I hope that goes well. Oddly enough, I am looking forward to it.

Also, get well soon T. I hope you are feeling better today. Take care.

Just Some Stuff

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt about someone poisoning little children with liquid draino. The kids would get sick and double over in pain and die. Very creepy. When I woke up, I didn't want to go back to sleep.

Last night, I found out the son of a good friend of mine is very ill. I feel horrible when children get sick. Or maybe I just know what it is like to be a worried parent. Either way, being sick is not fun for someone so little. Actually it is not fun for anyone. I wish him a speedy recovery. And I wish mom much luck looking after her boy. You are both in my thoughts today.

Right now, Brandon is watching "Farzzle's World" and he loves it. He giggles when the baby giggles. I think he feels a connection? Or maybe he likes the bionic sounds? Whatever works baby. Whatever works. Now it is time for "Franklin". You know, I think Brandon watches too much television. I think, I watch too much television. I just watch "24" and "Battlestar Gallacica".

Speaking of "24". The premiere was awesome! (WARNING: Spoilers ahead!) Poor Jack has been pushed to his limits. I don't know how they are going to deal with the nuclear device that has just gone off in LA. Yes, seriously. The terrorists just detonated a nuclear bomb and now they have to deal with fallout while tyring to find the other 4 bombs. Man, they just keep uping the stakes on that show. You know, Jack Bauer is just one man. This man is like a superhero with nine lives. How much can one human being take?

I came on line with the intention of bloggging about something. And now, I just can't remember. Something distracted me and now I just have a bunch of random shit to say. Maybe I will think of it later.

Lazy Weekend

Well, I love my ipod. I just thought it was important to establish that. Just in case there was any confusion.

I have submitted my latest tax assignment. Ah! I can relax for another week.

Yesterday, Brandon and I had many visitors. L, S and D. Oh my God! I know what that spells. Not the same thing. Anyway, those are all people. I had some great chats with the people that came by. It was great learning something new from each of them. They also tested my philosophical boundaries. All while still being able to reference pop culture. Awesome!

Jack Bauer came back with a vengence last night. Fuckin' A! (WARNING: Spoilers ahead.) He manages to get released from the chinese, sacrifice himself to some terrorists, escape from the terrorists, and foil a terrorist plot to blow up a subway train, all in the first two hours. That man is slick. What the fuck can happen tonight? I don't know, but it's going to be awesome!

Deep Thought

When someone gives you the finger from their fine automobile, it is amazing how much affect that has on the rest of your day.

Some brief good news. With the last bit of Christmas money I had, I broke down and bought myself an ipod. I trekked out in the bitter cold, last night and went all the way to Westworld to get one. Every other electronics outlet was sold out of the one I wanted. And either way, it would have cost me the same amount of money, no matter where I bought it. I picked up a black, 30GB ipod that is an absolute dream. I love this machine. I like interfacing through itunes, rather than napster. I thought about getting the 8GB nano but since the 8GB nano was same cost as a 30GB ipod, I went with the later. Easy enough. I skipped some needed study time to play with my new toy. Bad, I know. But, so much fun!

I am in a funk. I don't know when I will be out of my funk. Part of it is career related. I feel like there is just too much presure on me right now. With the heavy course I am taking and which job I should go to. I am certain I could get hired anywhere I apply to, right now. But part of me doesn't know if I could hack it. Could I really make it anywhere I go to? I just have lack of faith in my abilities right now. I think because I don't know if I passed FA4, yet. But, at the same time, do I want to return to a place that won't give me my window seat back? What is more important to me? The window seat? Or the learning curve? That, and I like everybody where I work. I would miss them. Or do I want to stay at the current place I am at and just get pregnant again, right away? I do want to have a big family. I better get cracking on that. I am also a great procrastinator. Do I really have the drive to obtain my CGA? I sometimes think so. And sometimes I would just rather play solitaire and fart around with my MP3 player. It is hard to make up my mind. Help. What should I do? I know, I know. I will do what is right for me, when the time comes. I just wish I knew what that was.

Let's Take a Break

We will be right back with our schedeuled programing right after the break.

I really wish I could drink. I need a drink right now. God, I sound like an alcoholic. But seriously, I am at my stress level now and I need to relax. Just a little longer and the victory will be even sweeter.

When my son is off the boob, I need a night of drinking with the girls. Who's with me on that one? I don't want to get smashed, just drunk enough. Cause man, I am a "fun" drunk.

You know, all the shit that is bothering me, just isn't worth talking about right here. God knows, I might say something that would o......

I Am No Longer Dying

The title is a "slight" exageration. But when someone has had the flu for 3 STRAIGHT days, ones' spirit tends to weaken. I have broken down, twice, crying uncontrolably. It weakens the soul when you are trying to flight the flu, but after every battle, the shivers, the dizzness and the nausea all come back with a vengence. I wasn't able to stomach much. I remember throwing up apple juice and I don't think I will be having that for a while. Tomorrow, I am seeing my Doctor to see if there is anything she can do for me.

In the meantime, Brandon was looked after by his Grandma while I was moaning and shivering. At least he was okay. He quickly started to miss his mommy, though. And after that, nothing else will do. I did my best to nurse him while I was sick. Even though I was not getting all my fluids. Supplemental measures had to be taken. We broke down and bought 3% milk. And...Brandon loves it. He gobbles it up. And no rash. Yay! So far, he only gets a little at a time. But he will hold that sippy cup to his mouth till he drains every last drop of milk. Well, he is his father's son. They both love their milk. At least now there is an alternative he will drink.

Other than that, my income tax course has been put on the back burner, for now. I will resume it again on Sunday. Mostly cause tomorrow, Lee booked in advance for some time of his own and he is working in the evening. I'll just have to work harder to pick up the slack. C'est la vie.

I just saw the prequel to 24 season 6 and oh-my-fucking-god-it looks Awesome! I can't wait for the 4 hour premier.

A Little Drama

Reading the income tax act is incredably fucking boring!

I think I would rather shoot myself.

Oh look! Here is a "conveinent" gun.

BLAM!

Ah, I can hemorage the pain out.

Update to Come Soon!

In the mean time:

"Who knows where thoughts come from. They just appear."
-Lucas
-"Empire Records"