Scarey Movies and Self-Esteem Issues

Yesterday, A came over and we tried to watch "The Hills Have Eyes". (Caution: Graphic material Ahead) I hit my limit when the two women were trapped in the camper with two of the deformed men who were raping them while the baby was there screaming. One of the men put a gun to the baby's head and that was when I had to stop the movie. I had hit my limit. No, not the guy on fire, but the baby being fondled by the deformed...thing really bothered me. I couldn't handle that.

So, to counteract the bad vibes, we watched "Over the Hedge". After the horror, I felt creepy and really wanted to hold and cuddle with my son. So, I made it possible for Brandon to join us after I was traumatised. I felt much better. Brandon too, got to nap on mommy. I was happy to accomadate him.

Last night, I had a dream I was taking a practicum at being a News Anchorperson. We were having our final broadcasts being taped at a hotel. I had memorized what I was going to say. I was also going to interview the winner of Canada's Next Top Model. We could ask her 10 questions. I thought I had come up with good stuff. Until right before my turn, I realized I was wearing a prom dress and I couldn't smile naturally. I was fucked. That and the Top Model chick and I were having a lesbian affair. I am so glad dreams are not based on any kind of reality.

I have been doing more thinking about my funk. There are 2 possible explinations. One: Accounting is something I REALLY do not want to do. And I should either find something else to inspire me or I should be content being a $30 000 employee for the rest of my life. Or I am in funk cause my FA4 mark is right around the corner and I am in the throes of tax course which SUCKS ASS! My marker is a fuckin' bitch! She wants very specific answers. Cause I didn't word something correctly, (but even though I had the answer. I knew what to do.) I got 0. Fucker! Fuckin' Fuck Bitch! That and she wants me to cite the Tax Act to support my tax treatment of the item. Even though, it doesn't ask for it in the question. Can I challenge that? I dont' know. I'll just call her a fuckin' bitch!

Whenver my birthday approaches, I always seem to wander into self-doubt and think all my friends don't really love me. I feel very alone right now. I just need to work through internally that whatever I do, I am okay. I am just not there yet.