Day 1

I don't feel so good this morning. My nose is stuffy and my throat is sore. Great. I am sick again.

I just weighed myself. Right now, I am 223lbs. Holy crap! I think I want to kill myself.

I have a goal. I would like to lose about 30lbs. I would like to be under 200lbs. Also, I want to fit into the same size of pants I wore when I was 20. Size 32. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I will monitor my progress here. If I keep a journal of it, then maybe it will keep me on track.

Well, here it goes...

Phat

My mom called me chubby today. She's right. I am chubby. And it's not even baby weight. This was all gained before pregnancy even occured. I used to be nice decent weight. I could fit into size L clothes. Now I fit in x1. I hate having to buy a higher size. You ever notice all the nicer stuff is from S to XL? I did. When I was clothes shopping on Monday, some nice stuff caught my eye. But it was not plus size, so I could not even consider buying it. I hate being plus size. I need to do something about it.

Well, tonight, I just ate an ice cream blizzard-flurry knock-off. That's not gonna help. As of tomorrow morning, I am not eating anymore junk food. Oh man, this is going to be tough. I've done it before. It can be done. It just takes tremendous will power.

That means no more chocolates, cookies, candy, potato chips, cake, deserts in general and no more fast food and no more out food in general. And everything else in between. Like no more iced tea. Besides, my doctor say to avoid the grease and dairy so my hearburn doesn't flare up. This is something I have to do.

I had a dream I was running. I was running in a small town just a ways from Edmonton. I was running to tell T & H something. I was running all Saturday night to find them Sunday morning. They were having breakfast with their son and their gold van was now a gold car. Anyways, I saw them enjoying the moment I suddenly decided I didn't want to bother them. I'm not even sure why I was trying to find them in the first place. Anyways, the sun was up high now. T & H were leaving the restaurant and were loading up their car. Then I turned around and started to run back home. I had to run fast, cause their route home was on the same one that led back to Edmonton. Weirder and weirder, I know. I was running very fast. Usually, I run stupid slow in dreams. This time, it was fast. I had nice thin legs too. Not chubby thighs. I liked it. I want to run. I want to run now.

First, I have to lose some weight. I have tried the exercise thing and I just kill my back. But if I change my diet and exercise together, that should make a difference. I hope. I think I will keep a journal of my progress. It might inspire me to keep it up. That and maybe some cheering from my peeps might keep me in line, too. (That's if any of you read my blog anymore.)

I can do it. I can bare my soul. What the hell! It's only life.

Tomorrow, will be day 1. Right now, I will wait off this inevitable heartburn, that is on the way.

P.S. And no more ice cream too! Doh! :(

Soul Searching

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking, as of late. (No kidding.) Well, I have been reflecting on my choices over the last few years. Mostly centering on the choices I have made since high school. I've been focusing on the big decision: not choosing to go straight into university with my other friends and working in a bar for about 4 years and getting a mediocre education through NAIT and meeting new friends along the way etc.

Would I change any of it? Would I take it back, if I could?

That is a tough question. Cause if I take it back, what would I gain? And what would I lose? Sure, I would have a lead-up on my career. I would be exactly where I would want to be right now. But, I didn't know what I wanted to be then. I didn't know I wanted to be an accountant. I thought my future was with cooking and baking. Sure, I still enjoy doing that stuff. But I didn't know it then. I know it now. Making that wrong choice, has brought me to what I know now. Yeah, I guess wisdom is always hindsight.

If I had followed that path, I may not have met Lee. I wouldn't even have Brandon. I wouldn't have the wonderful group of friends I have now. I wouldn't have met new people. I wouldn't have lost the old ones. I wouldn't have loved and lost. I wouldn't have learned the same lessons. I have made the same choices. I wouldn't be as wise. I wouldn't be where I am today.

And would I change it, if I could?

No. I don't think I would change it. Not now. My family, my experiences and the people I know are worth more than any regret. So, I don't like my choices. There is always time to make a change. If I have regrets, I can make amends now. So, I didn't know it until I was 27. Some people never figure it out. That's a lifetime wasted.

It's all about what Curly means, when he holds up that finger. "One Thing." What's that "One Thing" that is most important to you? The rest doesn't matter.

I've figured mine out.

Tidbits

We are okay now. We found a daycare that can take Brandon for April. Their rate is reasonable and they are quite close to our place. I hope he has a good time there and makes lots of friends. The place was recomended by a friend of mine who happens to be a daycare worker. Lee and I both saw the place and met with the director. We think it's a good place. Also, the assitant director is best friends with my friend who recommended the place. Sometimes, that turns out not to mean anything. But, all the workers we saw and talked with, were very attentive and quite nice. They also have an open door policy and welcome the parents at any time. I might just take them up on that, sometime.

I finally went clothes shopping yesterday. I have finally updated my casual and professional wardrobe. All for about $350. Not bad.

And last, but not least, "Battlestar Galactica has just jumped the shark!"

Better Off Now

It feels like a bad dream. Oh wait, it's reality. I don't want to think about it anymore. We all know Erica is an inconsiderate bitch and screwed me choice. I don't want to talk about it anymore. If I do, I am moving forward with the situation.

Right now, I have a few possibilities open to me. Things are looking up. And it will definitly be for the best. I know that, now.

It still hurts, though.

Screwed to the Bone

Fuck payoffs and fuck everything! We get home from buying groceries this morning and I hear someone leaving a message. It's Erica. Our "supposed to be" dayhome provider. I picked up the phone while she was leaving a message. She started off with "I am sorry. I don't know how to tell you this..." Immedietly, I know something is wrong. I know she is going to tell me something I won't like. Why did she even being the conversation with this phrase? It's so fucking obvious what she is about to say.

She tells me that she can no longer take Brandon in April. She already has 2 kids she is looking after. She is getting a 3rd (repeat customer) to come into her home. She "feels" adding one more temporarily is too many for her to take care of. Well, la de fuckin' da! You decide tell me this 1 week before I return to work? What the fuck am I supposed to do? She verbally agreed, everything was cool and good to go, a week ago. In that time she accepts another kid. Well, I guess they must've paid her on the spot. Otherwise, I think she is completely fucking insiderate. No, I think she is inconsiderate regardless.

It is incovientent and I am quite pissed off, but honestly, I don't think I would be As upset if we hadn't double checked with her a week ago and everything was still good to go. No contract was signed and no money was exchanged, I admit. But, her verbal agreement should have held.

I feel very screwed. I know shit happens for a reason. But with all the debt crap we are going through, I was secure, in my mind, we had a good provider in place for Brandon. And now I just feel so screwed.

Let's Channel A little Destiny's Child..."Bills, Bills, Bills"

Today, we were expecting a big payoff. Oh yeah, Lee and I made up. Anyways, we were expecting something to come through and it didn't. It sucks when something doesn't meet your expectations. And it hurts more, when it is about money.

All I am going to say is:

DEBT FUCKING SUCKS!

Here At the Library...

Well, right now I am pissed at Lee. What else is new? We had another fight where I am convinced he is being inconsiderate. Again, what else is new? Maybe I just expect too much. Cause Lee is so good, normally, I just have high expectations all the time. Maybe.

Anyways, not much else to say. Besides, this keyboard sucks ass! I hitthe spacebar. I know I do. But, the damn thingdoesnotwork. I haveto go back over thingstwice. It'sstupid. Seriously, theyshould fork over$50 and getanew keyboard. Come on, it'snot expensiveandit's notrocketscience. Fuckin' cheap people!

Slump

I have not updated in a while mostly cause I have been sorting through my feelings. (See previous blog.) I don't want to think about it anymore. I am sick of it.

This week I am making plans to get out and see people I have been neglecting for a while. I have so many things going on, I feel like I have a life. Is that right? Can I have one? And still have a child? I feel like I might neglected said child. To me, it's always one or the other. Not both. Are there people who can have both?

All Mixed Up on A High Horse

Brandon has been up since 2:30am. Lee took the first shift, then I took Brandon for a little while, now Lee is downstairs with him again. He is just restless. He can't seem to get comfortable. When he stops moving for a while, and I think he is out, I try and move him and as soon as I put him in his crib, he freaks! He cries and cries and cries. After about 10 minutes of this, I go to get him and he is on his knees holding on to the side of the crib. His cry is frantic and his face is soaked in tears. What is wrong? Did he have a nightmare? Is he teething? If he was, wouldn't he be crying all the time? I don't know. Hopefully, Brandon will pass out from exhaustion.

And now, I can't sleep. I have too many things on my mind.

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday regarding my return to work. I didn't know if I would be given my full position back. So, I went in, to discuss it. I'll be honest, I guess I expected more. Everyone is telling me, that I am so underpaid (which is probably true) and now I have more knowledge (with 2 CGA courses behind me) and I deserve the remuneration. The money and more to do with the financial statements. Ultimately, I thought I would get something that was more relevent to what I was learning.

I was not given any of my old duties. They are gone. I have been given a self-directed project within A/P. I'm not going to go into details. But, I am not sure how I feel about the position given to me. In many ways, I think it is good cause I am given a self-directed project which I am sure is a way to prove myself. Then I will be given more to do and (hopefully more pay) and hopefully more to do with the financial statements and well, things relevent to my pursuit of education. I am also sitting in the mailroom. Yeah. I don't see that as a step up. Every afternoon, there is a noisy mail machine that is run. I can see that being very disruptive. I can see myself, finding any excuse, to be out of that room, at that time. They say it is temporary. But I think otherwise.

(Deleted)

I know, we make our own fate. This is not fatalist view. There is no finality to it. If I want something better, then I go out and get it. (Deleted)

On top of that, my high school reunion is being organized. I think I might already have a wedding to go to that day, but I don't know. There are people I want to see again. Sure. There are others, I never want to see again. I would cross to the opposite side of the street to avoid them. Why? Cause I have nothing to say to them. I think they are stupid. I hope they come to terms with their unhappy lives, and live with it.

God, I am mean! What's up with that?

And there is a classmate in there, I don't mind seeing, who is in the same profession (and I am sure it was handed to her, on a silver platter) I know she is competitive, she was when we were in school and I am jealous of her, too. She is what I want to be.

This is such a negative post. I have to go.

I was Wired....now....Zzzzzz

I am psyched! This is my 200th post. Wow! Most TV shows don't even get to this point. Most good ones don't even get here. I am kind of glad I have put quite a bit effort into this. Most of the time, I start something and then quit it just a little while later. I am glad, I am not a quitter in this.

Speaking of not quitting, I just wrote my TX1 final tonight. I think I did okay. I feel I passed. I'm not sure by how much. But that is not important. The important thing is I passed.

The next course I will be taking is in the summer. July specifically. Right now, it is good to take a break. *Ah!*

Now, I get to enjoy the last 2 weeks of my Mat Leave before I return to work. I should call my boss and set up an appointment to talk about my position. I should do that. Tomorrow. Right now, I am starting to fall asleep.

I also wanted to say, L , I had a nice time hanging with you after the exam. We should do definitly do it again when we get our marks. I would be up for that.

Finally, T good luck! I know you will do great.

Tomorrow, I will blog about other stuff, but right now I need to sleep.

P.S. D, I am sorry you are sick. I am still sick. Not as bad. It didn't effect my exam. But I am still not over it. I hope you feel better soon.

One More Day

That's right. One more before I take my Tax1 final. Now, I am nervous. I did the practice exam and....9 out 29 on one part. That's all that needs to be said. I could've just been having an off day. Oh yeah, OFF!

Well, I have one more day to get some study time in. I will be at the library all day tomorrow. I need every moment I can get.

It's not that I don't know the stuff. I do. I better. This is the second time I am taking it. Okay, it's not that. It's not any of that. I know what I am doing. I know what I do. In all things. These damn exam questions are designed to be hard. They are! To quote something pretty old and almost anti-feminist really, "It's what seperates the men from the boys." It's true. So to speak.

So, did anyone see Battlestar Gallactica yesterday? Fuckin' Awesome! I still love Baltar. Still the most interesting character. That new lawyer is interesting. Any bets he might be a cylon? Nah, probably not. I bet Starbuck is, though. That's one way to explain why she killed herself. Would it be a cop-out explination? I don't think so, if they do it right. And so far, things are done well. All I have to say is, "Thank God the fuckin' Lee-Starbuck triangle-tripod-four-way is gone!" Anyways, I'm not sure anyone else on Galactica is a cylon though. I think we get only surprise. Otherwise too many actors are doing double duty and I don't think they would do that.

Must go. More Veronica Mars. Tonight we start the mystery of, "Who killed of Dean O'Dell?" And already, I have no idea.

Study Snack

My first batch of chocolate chip cookies are out of the oven. *Ah!* Smell the chocolatey-chip goodness! I needed a sweet snack to keep up my energy on studying. Nothing beats the over-loaded chocolate chip cookies. Yum!

Okay, enough of that. You know, I am not as worried for my TX1 exam, as I was for my FA4 exam. I wonder why that is. Perhaps it is because it is an open book exam. Maybe. Or could be because I have taken this material before. I don't know. I will find out later when I do my first practice exam.

In the meantime. It's snack time!

Baby Germs are for Free

This week, Brandon somehow managed to get a cold. And what do babies like to do when they are sick? Be sick on mommy. He was real snotty and wiped his face a lott. Then he would stick his fingers in my mouth. Cause that was fun, apparently. Now, I am sick. Hopefully, I will get rid of most of this, if not all of it, before my exam. I know, that if I take my exam, with a cold, I will do poorly. I just will. That is the way it always is.

People Piss Me Off!

All I seem to do is rant when I blog. Today is no different.

Brandon and I went for a walk this afternoon. It was the first day, in a long time, that the weather was decent enough to take the stroller out. Anyways, as I was rounding the corner, at the far end of my block, I had a tough time getting the stroller down the walk cause the DUMB FUCKERS that live there have not shovelled their snow. Now get this. They shovelled the snow in front of their house, but it was the snow, off to the side that was not shovelled.

Now, I must ask, when someone lives in a corner lot, don't they have to shovel all around their property? Doesn't the walk, that goes around the corner, have to be shovelled as well? What the fuck? What kind of fuckin' person shovels the walk, directly in front of their house and not shovel the walk that goes around the side?

LAZY FUCKIN' PEOPLE! That's who!

And you know, the house looks well kept. At least in the summer, the lawn and garden, look well maintained. I know shovelling snow is a strain sometimes, but please show your property the same diligence in the winter, that you show it in the summertime. Cause right now, I think you people are fucking assholes! I don't like you! And I don't want to like you. Cause you make it really hard for me, to be the better person.

A Sucker Born

(Warning: The following tale has extreme profanity.)

The batteries in my calculator have died. I bought them back in September. My batteries have died 5 months after their purchase. What the fuck? How did I get short-term batteries? Double AA's last longer then these tiny shit batteries! I am so pissed.

Well, I need my calculator for my exam and, I might as well have a useful one, while I study. So I went out to get new batteries this evening. I went to the TSCC at the mall. (The same exact store I bought the previous replacement batteries.) I picked up 2 new batteries and just before I paid for them, the clerk asked if I wanted to purchase a warranty on the batteries. Why the fuck would I do that? They are batteries! Five-dollar fucking batteries! Why would anybody buy a warranty on five-dollar fucking batteries? It doesn't make any sense. They are so fucking cheap, why would anyone buy a warranty?

You know, this is the second time, in less than half a year, that I am buying these stupid fucking batteries. The original batteries, that came with the calculator, lasted over two years. How the fuck did I get duds? What the fuck?

I was offered to purchase the warranty, when I bought the last two. I declined it then. Because good sense told me to save $3.00 and not waste it on a stupid fucking warranty for $5.00 batteries.

So, I purchased the warranty. Because the last batteries I bought before, died before their time. I bought a $1.50 warranty on $5.00 batteries. I am covered, if my batteries die within 3 years, I get free replacement. Oh yay. And I bet you all the tea in China, these batteries will not fail in 3 years. And I seriously do not need anymore tea. My cupboard is full.

Confessions of a Happy Day

Today was a good day overall. Today was D's 2nd birthday. I hope she had a good day. She seemed to be busy, opening presents, going off and playing over here and there, then wanting to eat and then play some more. I hope it wasn't all just a blur.

I started to get my usual chest pains in the evening. Still not sure what causes those. I know they are not a heartattack. (Went to the hospital, one time, to find out.) I know, I should probably go see my doctor about it. Lee seems to think it is dairy related. I sure hope not. I love cream and cheese. I don't know if I could give that up. But, you see, sometimes I do get pain from eating those things. It is only sometimes. It might be the combination. Maybe something else I eat with it triggers the pain. Oh who knows! Someday I will find out.

Tomorrow is another study day. Not really looking forward to it, surprisingly. I don't feel like studying. (Chest pains will do that to you.)

I finally used up the itunes card I got for my birthday. I purchased some music videos and some soundtracks. I am quite pleased with my purchases. I dowloaded the Johnny Cash video with all the celebs we know and love, Beck's "Loser" and A-ha's "Take on Me". The soundtracks I downloaded are Blood and Chocolate and Over the Hedge. A shame, most of the songs from Blood and Chocolate are not on the soundtrack. They will be releasing another soundtrack soon. Hopefully the songs from the movie will be on that one. Over the Hedge has songs by Ben Folds on it. Who would think? But awesome.

I have something to say. I have made mistakes. I am far from perfect. I know people who have done things, that I don't approve of. There are those who talk, behind peoples backs. And we all think, they don't know what they say. And I am just as guilty of talking about people behind their backs. And openly sharing my disapproval. Well, who the fuck am I? Who am I to judge and critisize others? I am not a better human being. Who am I to judge based on my standards? What the fuck do my standards mean to anyone else? I am not better. Who am I to say that someone else is wrong, because something they do goes against my sensibilities? We are all human. We all make mistakes. Cause I have made a big one. I just want to say "I am sorry." No excuses. No Buts. No promises. Just, "I am sorry."

Moving Forward

Right now, Brandon is sleeping. Time for me to update on some things.

First, I really hate how your body psych's you into thinking something is there, when really it is not. Those of you in the know, you know what I mean. The hopeful part is disappointed. But I am relieved nonetheless.

My tax study sessions are going slow. I haven't had a chance to finish the exam review. I wonder, if I will ever get through it.

I am not sure if I will be taking another course again, till the fall. I would like some time off, but 2 semesters may be too long of a break. I don't know. I'll figure it out. Right now, I can only take 2 courses, without taking Management Information Systems. MIS is a pre-requesite for everything else. What the fuck? Why? What a pile of crap! Well, if I can take it through NAIT in the summer, I will. If not the summer, maybe the fall. Hopefully, L will take it with me. Get it done. Get it over with.

Otherwise my options are:

Management Accounting 2

Holy crap! No!

Accounting Theory 1

Ah, case study hell! What fun.

And Last, but not least, Taxation 2.

Wow, the hardest course, in CGA history....hmmm...options fading fast.

Then I must take MIS to move forward. I will eventually, have to take the above listed courses too. But by then, I may be a little more confident in my abilities.

I know, I should be studying now. But I feel weird. I don't know why. I just don't feel like doing anything. Anything productive, that is. I need to stop feeling this way. *Stop it, now.*

Yeah, it's not working.

*Lightbulb Going Off*

I know what it is. It's pre-work anxiety. Holy shit, it's back! I know I do not have to go back to work for 1 month yet, but it's here early. In all it's terrifying glory! Great. A whole month of worry.