All Mixed Up on A High Horse

Brandon has been up since 2:30am. Lee took the first shift, then I took Brandon for a little while, now Lee is downstairs with him again. He is just restless. He can't seem to get comfortable. When he stops moving for a while, and I think he is out, I try and move him and as soon as I put him in his crib, he freaks! He cries and cries and cries. After about 10 minutes of this, I go to get him and he is on his knees holding on to the side of the crib. His cry is frantic and his face is soaked in tears. What is wrong? Did he have a nightmare? Is he teething? If he was, wouldn't he be crying all the time? I don't know. Hopefully, Brandon will pass out from exhaustion.

And now, I can't sleep. I have too many things on my mind.

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday regarding my return to work. I didn't know if I would be given my full position back. So, I went in, to discuss it. I'll be honest, I guess I expected more. Everyone is telling me, that I am so underpaid (which is probably true) and now I have more knowledge (with 2 CGA courses behind me) and I deserve the remuneration. The money and more to do with the financial statements. Ultimately, I thought I would get something that was more relevent to what I was learning.

I was not given any of my old duties. They are gone. I have been given a self-directed project within A/P. I'm not going to go into details. But, I am not sure how I feel about the position given to me. In many ways, I think it is good cause I am given a self-directed project which I am sure is a way to prove myself. Then I will be given more to do and (hopefully more pay) and hopefully more to do with the financial statements and well, things relevent to my pursuit of education. I am also sitting in the mailroom. Yeah. I don't see that as a step up. Every afternoon, there is a noisy mail machine that is run. I can see that being very disruptive. I can see myself, finding any excuse, to be out of that room, at that time. They say it is temporary. But I think otherwise.

(Deleted)

I know, we make our own fate. This is not fatalist view. There is no finality to it. If I want something better, then I go out and get it. (Deleted)

On top of that, my high school reunion is being organized. I think I might already have a wedding to go to that day, but I don't know. There are people I want to see again. Sure. There are others, I never want to see again. I would cross to the opposite side of the street to avoid them. Why? Cause I have nothing to say to them. I think they are stupid. I hope they come to terms with their unhappy lives, and live with it.

God, I am mean! What's up with that?

And there is a classmate in there, I don't mind seeing, who is in the same profession (and I am sure it was handed to her, on a silver platter) I know she is competitive, she was when we were in school and I am jealous of her, too. She is what I want to be.

This is such a negative post. I have to go.