I Don't Think So

No worries...we are not going to name him Casey Conrad. We've already picked out the names we want to use. No fear. No Alliteration.

Bad

Well just ignore my previous post. Yesterday was a bad day. Lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself. And Lee too. Lee was crying and it got so bad we were holding each other and sobbing into each others shirts. Lee pleaded he would never leave me. It was as cheesy as a drama on TV. That must be where those writers get that stuff.

I also had a vivid but short dream. I was working in a bar again. I was cleaning glasses and getting the garnishes and liquor ready. All I knew, it felt good to be there again. My bitch of a boss, Genie, was gone. Lucille was gone also. She retired, cause she had cancer. And Sharon got fired cause she was drinking on the job. Surprise, surprise. It was Sunday morning and like normal. Bud came in for his breakfast. It felt good to see him again. If only on an imaginary basis. Then the dream turned into a school room. There was a bunch of us there talking about what we were going to do with the pteradactyl. Yes, we had one chained up in the room. All of a sudden, the creature became loose and started attacking everyone. I managed to escape the room and finally find my way through the building. I got out on one of the side entrances. I came around to the front and 2 ladies were entering on business. I tried to call out to the them, but they couldn't hear me. They entered anyways. So much for them. So I decided to run home. I apparently lived in a nice pleasant small town. So I didn't live far. I crossed a few streets and ran by a few houses and was there. I apparently also had a little sister too. She was playing in the front yard. Her name was Casey. Then I asked if it was okay for her to playing with the thing she was playing with. Yeah, I don't remember what it was. Then I woke up. I told Lee the dream. Now he wants to name our kid Casey. And all I think about is "Casey at the Bat".

So, T called yesterday. It was nice to talk to her. She managed to distract me from my problems. Damn! I like to focus on my pain. That's not fair. My hormones aren't supposed to fluctuate. I wish I could dwell longer. I'm never depressed enough anymore. It's too easy to be happy.

I don't think I want to be a mother anymore.

Everyone abandons me. I lose all my friends. I've lost of my best friends. I think they just get tired of me. They realize that I really am pretty pathetic. It's just a matter of time before Lee leaves me too. He's due any second time now. I never feel I belong anywhere. There's always something that reminds me, that I'm not as connected as I think I am. Who am I kidding? I'm such a brat, anyways. These people have put with me long enough.

Sleepless

Well, it was just after 5am and I was finally nodding off to sleep. And Lee bursts into the room. "Did you call me?" He asks. I wasn't. The funny thing was, I was at the beginning of a dream where Lee and I were yelling at each other. So, if I talk in my sleep...then we are in trouble. So, he wakes me at 5:30am insisting I called for him. Twice. So, my cranky self tore a strip off him. And he still defends himself. God, I hate this! I am so sleep devprived at this point, I fear I will never get sleep again. So, if I don't go to parties or shows, its because I am tired. Seriously. If I can nap or go to your show, I will nap. Don't be hurt by this. I just want some sleep.

You know, those prenatal classes are just not telling me anything I don't already know. Okay well, maybe the first few classes had a few insights. But, now it seems all rather redundant. They haven't even shown me how to change a diaper. I need to know this! When do I learn this? Am I going to have to practice on my friends kids? Seriously! I care about the labour and all, but afterwards, I am going to need to know how to change that diaper or hold a baby. This would be useful information. Maybe they should include it.

Ah, I am just ranting. Miss cranky pants is going to work now!

Pleasures and Discomforts

I am not sleeping well. I have had 3 hours of sleep each night this week. I can't seem to get anymore either. And when I get to work, I don't want to work cause I can't concentrate cause I am not sleeping. I try to wear myself out, but I'm too tired to do anything vigorous. It's a vicious circle.

Another crappy thing is, in the middle of the night, my tummy feels like it is on fire. It goes away for a minute and then come back and goes and comes back. I'm curious if that means he is hungry. I have read that he now has patterns that resemble being a newborn. Does that mean he needs me to feed him every few hours, NOW? Oh man, that sucks! I hate eating in the middle of the night. I hate eating after 6pm. I know, I know, it just gets worse from here. Just wait.

So, the good thing I have to share is, baby is starting to kick me more. Really, it's a good thing. Also, he is starting to punch or nudge me with his hands. The movement is getting closer to my ribs. It's not as strong as the movement below. But, he is using all his limbs now which is a good thing.

Off to work I go. Hopefully I will be able to stay awake.

I voted!

And that's all you need to know.

So, I had another dream. This time, I was hanging with some university students who were working on creating a serum that would allow someone to breathe under water for a period of time. It worked and we had someone test it for us. It was Ron Jeremy. Yes, the porn-star Ron Jeremy. Anyways, he would go into the this tank and hang with the underwater life for about 20min. But once the serum was used up, the body needed air immedietly. So, Ron Jeremy tested a few times okay. We left a couple inches for him to get air at the top of the enclosed tank. Don't ask why it had a lid. It just did. So, he was making a demonstration for some important people who fund the university and this time he said he didn't need any room. Of course, the team that created the serum, wasn't around to fight this. The experiment started and of course, Ron ran out of air after 20min and was slowly suffocating. Eventually, we opened the lid and pulled him out of there. To help revive him, we had to have Ron in suspended harness in scalding hot water showers. So, when Ron came around. He was his wacky self and tought the experiment went great etc. and wanted to do it again. Then it was the after-party. It was like a university party with tons of 20 something I didn't know. Except, I started hitting on this one guy. He was definitly interested. And it would've went somewhere had I not woken up. Oh well. There's always another sleep...

I took that horrible glucose test for gestational diabeties today. The drink isn't too bad. It was like really sweet ornage crush. Shortly afterwards it felt like I was vibrating. My heart rate was going up. It was like a massive sugar rush. Then my head wanted to pop off. I was fairly dizzy. I just wanted fall over and not get up again. Then the wave of nausea hit. I was rubbing my tummy like crazy to try to calm the swirlies. And you have to sit there for an hour feeling this way. Oh man, was it tough. When the test was done, I got some water and some soup at Tim Hortons. That made a real difference.

Now I am going to rest some more. Sugar took all my energy away. Go figure that one.

A Weird Dream

Well, I didn't get much sleep last night. I mostly was just fading in and out of sleep thinking about the labour. I am agaonizing over this. Why? I don't know. Part of me doesn't know what to expect and doesn't think I can deal with the pain. Cause if I expect, to be able to handle it, I won't be able to. I don't know.

Anyways, near the end, I found some sleep. I had a dream where "The Muppets" met "Lord of the Rings" met "Pirates of the Caribean". Yeah, I know. Weird. So, the Muppets were staying downtown. I was there, strictly as an observer. The Muppets were walking around and I believe Rizzo the Rat was having a fight with his wife. One of them was jealous about something. They all ended up going to the movies and going to watch "Lord of the Rings Part III" Then I was just there. The Muppets were gone. I was surrounded by some old ladies. Then the movie started with a recap. Like "Previously on Lord of the Rings..." narrated by Cate Blanchette. There was a text on the screen like in "Star Wars" and the recap was done quickly. Then I saw different imagry on screen. Where Aaragorn goes to get help, there was a cut, and suddenly a sceen from "Pirates of the Caribean" is on the screen. A sceen from Pirates II. Apparenly, they shot the Pirates II and Rings movie simotanously and just used deleted footage from Pirates II and used it in part III of Rings. The sceen was on a beach. And the pirates were agreeing to joing the fight. I don't believe Orlando Bloom was there. I think he was replaced with Johnathon Brandis. And he was walking over somewhere and called someone 'Seth'. I think that was an error of dialogue. No one was called 'Seth' in the movie. But the connection is...Johnathon Brandis was a good friend of Seth Green. So, I think Seth Green was there. Even thought I didn't see him. Then the dream kind of ended there.

The dream turned into something with my co-workers. Apparently, my work provides housing for people who work at the company. And my department, we all live in this row of townhouses. The housing was close to where I live now. And so was work. It is where the Mall is now. I know, weird. Moving on, I run into this guy looking for directions somewhere and he clearly is not listening to me. I tell him he needs to go right and then another right and just follow the signs. He's walking crooked all over the place and just wanders around. I just realize the guy couldn't read. So, he just goes off. Then I am walking with my co-workers to work. They are teasing me about helping that guy. I find it more difficult to walk as I go on. Then I am at work and I'm naked. The guy, who asked for directions, is walking around like he is someone important. I am trying to cover myself with a blanket. I find some laundry hampers and see some of my clothes. I pull out my jeans. And of course the have holes in them. Then Dennis Quaid comes around the corner with messed hair. He is our safety co-oridnator, apparently. Then I woke up.

That's enough of that. Now, I am going to work. Great.

Going Along

This week is going to be a chore. I am booked for 4 straight days of stuff. Last night I saw a preview of A's new show "Play Strindberg" and it was interesting at points. Crazy near the end. A very funny moment with the squeaky steak. Lee couldn't help himself from laughing and everyone else kinda broke their concentration for a moment. It was cute. It just makes me grateful for what I have all the more.

Tonight is session 3 of prenatal class. God, these classes almost seem pointless. Teach me something useful like looking after an infant. This breathing crap is well...crap. No, some of it is useful. But I hate how big the class is. It makes me feel like I am back at school. I didn't feel comfortable to speak up then, I'm not speaking up now.

Tomorrow, we get to go to dinner with our friends D & K. They are having us over and cooking a marvelous dinner, no doubt. They usually do. I am looking forward to it. I just dread their stairs. They are steep and there is no railing. Considering I fell twice on my stairs, yesterday, in the same spot no doubt, I am not eager to go their basement. That and they only have 1 bathroom, like we do and it's upstairs. I'd have to go up and down all night just to pee. Not a pregnant friendly situation.

Saturday is horror film fest with A. This might be the last one I get to go to for a long time. So, I will endeavor to enjoy it.

And Sunday is a rest. Whew! I will need that.

Doulas, Doulas, Doulas

Lee and I have contacted a Doula. In fact, the very same Doula my friend used when she was giving birth. We are making an appointment to see her next week to see if she'll fit with our needs. I am feeling very good about this decision. I know because I am feeling good, I believe this is the right way to go.

Thanks to all who have expressed their support for me. I am grateful to have you guys in my life. Thank You!

My Labour, My Decision

Okay, you know I have been bombarded by everybody, about opinions and ideas on how my birth should go. And I am sick of it! Too much information people. I've heard everything from epidural to no epidural to having a doula to no doula. How my labour pains are going to feel, intense pain to hardly any pain at all. I don't want to hear anymore! Anyone wants to talk about any kind of birth ideas or share their experience or anything, I DON'T WANT TO F**KING HEAR ABOUT IT! I have made my decision on how I want to proceed. So, please just respect my decision.

Another Day of Pregnancy

Well, I am very stuffy this morning. I woke up at 3am and could barely breathe. I was coughing every 5 seconds and my nose became runny. And of course I had to pee quite often. Then I had this burning sensation in my tummy. Like my gut was on fire. I just felt awful. And I feel awful. Especially coming off a 36 hour period with no sleep. I don't know if I can push it to the end of March now. I seriously don't think I can. I feel sick and heavy and uncomfortable all the time. The only time I am not aware of it is when I am unconscious. Which is now like one fifth of the time, if even that. God, this sucks more and more!

So, on Saturday Lee and I got a crib from one of his co-workers for $40. It snaps together nice and is easy and is safe. We did check it out. So, with all the things we are borrowing from friends, we are part of the way there.

Same day I got to see "Fantastic Four" and "The 40 Year Old Virgin". FF was not bad. My fav character was Ben Grimm. Johnny Storm a close second. The angst that is The Thing's character is probably the most developed. The Dr. Doom villlian was quite lame. Which is sad, cause Dr. Doom isn't a lame villian at all. Too bad he came across that way. The other 2 FF are just lame and forgetable as well. "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was just crazy. Steve Caroll is quite a good actor. I was really impressed. Kinda funny in spots. It was done better than I thought it would be. Too many similarities with people I know. Goes to show, anyone can get laid.

Sunday was a lazy day. I did nothing but read a book. Some trashy novel by Sophie Kinsella. Ah, it was largely forgetable. Then, I got no sleep for like forever. And I had partial sleep last night. So, I am doing shitty. As per usual.

Friday Night Scares

Lee and I just got back from seeing "Hostel" with "A". What can I say? It goes for a big build up and fails to deliver. Some predictable choices near the end of the film, made it laughable. One thing it did manage to accomplish is the three backpackers (who were boozing, drugging and whoring their way across Europe) are believably sympathetic. No one deserves to be tortured. Not even stupid travellers.

Now I am listening to Mariah Carey's "Emancipation of Mimi" disc. I just picked it up tonight. I'm on Track 6. So far, it's not bad. I must say, I've always been a Carey fan. She's got the pipes and some catchy tunes. Hopefully this will take some of the "Hostel" out of my head.

I had a dream last night where I was giving birth to triplets. I was at the hospital. All the beds were full with women screaming and babies crying. And I was ready to deliver, waiting for a space. But, there was no stopping baby. He was coming. I could feel him pushing through. I remember reaching down and feeling the head. So here I was standing in the ward, waiting, standing and giving birth. Yeah. But there was no pain, just ackwardness. I remember trying to squat and then waking up.
It was 3am. Needless to say, I couldn't get back to sleep.

And tomorrow, I get to sleep in. Yay!

Sick Again?...Come on

Yes, I am sick again. This time it is a full-blown horrible head cold. I can't breathe all that well with my nose stuffy. My head is full of nothing. And I have this annoying thumping in my tummy. Oh wait, that is not the cold. Maybe he's trying to tell me to eat something. I'll fix something to eat after this.

So, I am clearly not at work. There was no way I would've lived through work. I might have made myself worse. That's no good for Thumper. I am drinking more of that homemade lemony electrolyte crap. It kinda grows on you after a while. Also, there is nothing good on TV at 5am. It sucks!

Some More Stuff

Sunday, Lee and I got a chance to see "Brokeback Mountain". What can I say? Controversial things excite me. The performances in this film were...exquisite. Heath Ledger does a fabulous job carrying this film with almost a respressed internalized perfomance. Michelle Williams is my next fav. She really captured the broken-heart of the housewife. Jake was good too as the roughneck cowboy. Hey, Coo-doos to those guys who were willing to do the love scenes. I've seen all my male friends kiss on stage. But, that was a gag for comedy. There is a difference between making a gag or making it believable. Wow.
Overall: The movie is worth seeing at least once. Shot in beautiful Alberta. So, nice scenery. The performances are beautiful and longing and enduring as a mountain.

Wow, that was a mouthful.

Work sucked yesterday. What else is new? I was just so tired. I am tempted more and more to call in sick just to stay in bed and re-coup my energy. I don't know if I can make it till the end of March. This is almost 2 pounds of "Extra Ass!" I don't know how I am going to make the rest of it.

Started the Serenity game last night. It's beginning quite nicely. I am enjoying it. I've never roll-played before. It's kinda fun. Things are getting kinda interesting. I wonder what will happen next. I just want to kick someone's ass. Is that too much to ask for?

Another day

Well, I am not as congested anymore. That's a good thing. On the other hand, Lee and I are still both snoring and waking each other up at night. I shove him, he shoves me. It's a real give and take.

So, I got some pants to wear. I am quite pleased. Only thing is it took all afternoon. I think baby was going through another growth spurt last night. He was giving me a mild pain on my left side last night. All is well this morning. So no fear.

Went to "A"s birthday gathering last night. (This would be a different A.) It was lots of fun. Sat and chatted with some good people. Had a delactable cheesecake. And I laughed. That made things all the much better.

Then I had a dream with M in it. She was driving me to a job interview. Weird. She was dropping me off for an early morning interview too. An interiew at a gas station. It was early summer and warm out. Yeah. I took my quilt with me and my reference list which was out-dated and had pictures of kittens on it. And I was being interviewed by the other female employee, not the boss. She was asking questions about how comfortable I was with scheedeuling. What's up with that? Then I woke up and Lee was snoring. Everything was back to normal.

Today, I would like to go see that movie we missed yesterday. I hope we get to go this time.

Lee & I 

Too Much Thinking Hurts the Brain

Thanks for the advice gals. I'm sure I will have drugs at some point. The odds of my labour being siwft and/or painless are pretty high. So, I am resigned that I will probably have the epidural.

"A" came over last night. We watched the Hitchhikers movie. It grows on you, the more you see it. I enjoyed it again. Then we chatted about stuff for a while. It was fun. I'm glad she came over. I hope I didn't give her any of my germs. Because, this morning I am completely congested. My nose is stuffy and my throat is full of flem. And Lee too is feeling the same way. Aren't we a sad pair?

First thing we need to do is take down the Christmas tree. It is getting to be an eyesore. Then we will take me maternity clothes shopping. My jeans now have a hole in them that I can fit my fist into. Nice. Hopefully, Lee and I will be up to seeing a movie this afternoon. Something romantic and fluffy. I need something that requires little thought. And I need a happy ending.

Better Now

Well, I wasn't sick. I think my body just needed some overdue rest. I downed the lemony crap and slept from 11am to about 1:30pm. Then my mother-in-law came over and made me something to eat. I kept that down. At that point, I knew I was alright. Mother-in-law stayed for a bit too and kept me some company. That was nice. She did my dishes too. Why? That was too much of her. But I am greatful.

Little guy was thumping quite a bit too. Nothing noticable with the naked eye. It was like he was lightly punching me with his hand or a fist. Just mild butterflies right now. No real jabs.

Pre-natal class was alright. There are 30 couples in this class. Man, I feel like I am in school. I hate school. Large class sizes always made me nervous. Yesterday was just an intro to the class. They showed some slides and a video. The big topic was drugs or no drugs. Honestly, I'm not sure. The epideral just frightens me. Don't know why. But, I may go for it anyways. I don't think I'll know until I am in there. Some days you feel like a wimp, some days you don't.

And now...

Well, I'm sick. I came home from work and I feel like shit. My throat is scratchy, my head is wavy, and my body is shaky. I am bundled up in a blanket and I have my slippers on. So, why am I sitting here typing?

I called Healthlink. The matter isn't as serious as "Hospital! Now!" I will monitor my fluids for a few hours. If there is no change, then I go to the hospital. The nurse on the phone gave me this formula for electrolyte fluid.
1 Cup boiling water
a pinch of salt
1 Tsp of Sugar
A drop or two of lemon juice to taste.
And then drink.

Great. Sounds awful.
I don't want to. But it is sitting here waiting for me to try it. Here it goes.
(drink)
Hmmm....it's like water with sugar. Sugary water...eeehhh...Too sweet. Water should taste like water. This is wrong. But, I'll drink it. What the hell!

So, send little guy some prayers of encouragement and mom-to-be too!

Sucky

Well, I feel like shit. My throat fucking hurts. That, and I'm stupid tired. I feel heavy, my neck and lower back feel out of wack and, my front "ass" is just pissing me off! Just because! There.

But I have to go to work today. We are cleaning 2005 files out and putting 2006 in. And I don't know any other time I might get help. Also, there is also a free-extended lunch because C is leaving. Who am I to turn down free food?

Another thing pissing me off is the fact that Lee has every night booked, this weekend, with someone else or doing something else. Friday night, he stays late for Hong Kong shit. Ah...shift...Ah it could be shit too. Saturday he's hanging with some buds for a KISSfest. Sunday he is hosting the wrestling pay-per-view. So, I need something to do. Something effortless please. And without a car. Since Lee will need it to get around. I wouldn't mind seeing Hostel tonight. Only problems are: (1) I have no car and (2) the movie will scare the crap out of me and Lee isn't home till 3am. I ain't sleeping alone after any scarey movie. So, anybody have any TAME ideas, let me know.

Some old Blah...

So, Lee isn't as sick as I feared. It was just a migrane. Yes, seriously, just a migrane. His back and neck were so out of wack, it sent shooting pain into his head. The pain was so bad, it made him vomit. But he's okay now. He went to the Chiropractor yesterday, got a tune up, and is feeling much better. I am happy to have my Lee back.

Well, nothing new really. Went back to work yesterday. Blah...I could do without it, personally. But, I think that is 95% of the world.

I hung out with my bro yesterday. That was fun. I quite enjoy it when we hang and chat and shop and he carries stuff. It works out great!

Nothing overly exciting planned for tonight. Just re-runs of CSI when I get home. But I get tonight with Lee. Anything with him will be nice.

Here's something, Lee and I start our parenting classes tomorrow evening at the Grey Nuns. I'm not that eagerly excited. I suppose they are neccessary though. I'm sure I'll learn something I don't already know. Actually, yes. One thing, I don't know how to change a diaper. Never have. Well, I better get used to it. I'll learn well.

A day off...

This would be a great day to enjoy being off from work. But no. I woke up, 20 minutes ago, to hear Lee throwing up in the bathroom. "Oh no! He has that nasty flu going around." Was my first thought. "Oh no, I hope he didn't give it to me!" Was my second. Not for my sake, but for Junior's. I would do Junior no good in that condition. I'd probably have to go to the hospital and have an IV so he can still get nutrients while I am sick. I'm sure that wouldn't be fun for any pregnant woman.

So, I am off to play nurse and be as quiet as possible for Lee to get some rest.

A New Year

Happy New Year, everybody!

Last night, the party went well. C put on this spread with homemade chinese food. The stuff was yummy, but a little too spicey for baby. So, after about 3 hours of socializing and "Robot Chicken", I went to sleep. Lee woke me at about 11:20 and, I rejoined the party. We surfed the TV until about 5 min to midnight. Then joined the countdown at Churchill Square. At the stroke of midnight, we clinked glasses and cheered on a new year. Then we watched "Fight Club". As we watched FC, we talked about gross sexually transmitted diseases and how GM is going out of business. Yes, the fun never stops. At about 1:30, Lee and I headed home.

Now, the beginning of a new year, would not be complete without the beginning of a new sleeping pattern. I cannot sleep without Mr. Body-Pillow now. It would just be too uncomfortable. Hopefully, I will never disturb Lee with its presence.

Now I have a day of laundry, dishes and relaxation ahead of me. Currently I am reading a book called "Valiant" by Holly Black. It is about Faeries in the modern world. And since I found this book in the pre-teens section, might I add there is constant swearing and sexual tension and something parrying drug-habit-addiction. It's very intense. Why was this where children could grab it?

Anyways, off to do chores.