I feel like shit! I don't want to do this anymore. This is too hard. The baby is still alive and well. It is getting the blood flow from the cord, it is drinking something from the two 1 cm pools that have managed to remain in the uteris. The baby has fluid in the stomach and the bladder. It is keeping itself alive, barely. The heart rate is strong. But I don't want to be. I want this baby to live. I don't want it to die.

Right now, it feels like it is on the road to suffering. It's normal enviroment is gone. I can't imagine it is happy about that. What does it even feel? It is dark and alone. It will never know me. It doesn't even know I am there. It doesn't even know what it needs. Without more water, the lungs will not develop. I know that. But I am still leaking.

Why did this happen to me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why this baby? It's heart and kidneys clearly work. What then? I feel like it is suffering. I don't want it to suffer. It will suffer. If it is born at 22 weeks or 35 weeks. It won't breathe. Not now, not then. She won't even get to meet me. She won't know I am there.

This is too much. On the last ultrasound, the baby woke up. Rubbed it's eyes and drank some water. I feel like it already has a soul. It's alive, doing it's thing. I feel like it is going to suffer, no matter what happens.

I hate this waiting. I wish I could do something. I wish the tissues had repaired themselves. But like the Doctor says, if they were going to repair, they would have by now. And 2.5cm of water is not going to cut it.

I am still nauseated. Anytime I feel nauseous now, I sneeze. I suppose that is better than vomitting.

I wish I could just run away. I want to leave this place. Sometimes not come back. Start again. But I am too bitter for that. I hate everything. I don't want to get up.

I don't want this baby to die, but I don't have a choice.